Donald Trump is NOT Gay

I don’t know why, all of a sudden, I keep hearing all this news from very smart people about Donald Trump being gay. I can guess where it’s coming from (the know-nothing liberal media), but I do know it’s categorically untrue. Even though everyone is saying that Donald Trump is gay, that does not mean it is true. “Donald Trump is Gay” is a hurtful rumour designed to attack the reputation of our STRAIGHT President and it should be put to bed, like two hot and ready college guys in a hammock.

I’m struggling to even think of someone less gay than Donald Trump. It’s been said that, rather than strict binaries, sexuality is a spectrum of behaviours and desires. For our purposes, let’s say “Gay” is at one end and “Not Gay” is at the other.



Gay                                                       Straight


This is a perfect visualization and I did a great fucking job making it. Now, for whatever reason, lots of people have been trying to decide where Donald Trump fits on the gay/straight spectrum. First, let’s compare him to our last President



Gay                                                        Straight



See, Obama is directly under “gay”. Does this mean Obama is gay? I have no idea. I’m paid to write, not to interpret charts. Now let’s apply this same research methodology to Trump.



Gay                                                       Straight



Wow! Look at this. President Trump is so far away from gay that he doesn’t even make it on the chart. Pardon the pun, but this is frankly unprecedented.

Now, there’s no denying that Trump is a passionate appreciator of the male physique and there’s no denying that appreciation can take many forms. True. Appreciation can lead to action. True. But not all subsequent actions are gay: just as straight actions can become gay at a later date (if they are furnished with gay intent), then gay actions can become straight if done so innocently or if you are paid to do them. President Donald J. Trump has never been committed of a crime. Therefore, he is innocent, and not gay.

Some smart people have been saying that while Donald Trump may not be gay, he has been having gay thoughts. This is absolutely insane, false, and harmful. I don’t know whether Donald Trump has ever had gay thoughts, but I do know that Donald Trump is a man of action, not of thoughts. Donald Trump conceives of an idea in his head and then immediately strikes for maximum impact. Implying that Donald Trump somehow only has gay thoughts is a as foolish and ridiculous as saying that Kevin Durant used to somehow date The Bachelorette. Frankly, freefootballscholarships is about facts, not baseless theories.

None of this is to say that there’s anything wrong with being gay. There’s not. People should celebrate and be open with who they are, whether the gayness is the result of liberal trickery, fluoride in the water, or childhood vaccinations. To my knowledge, not only has President Trump not been vaccinated, he hasn’t been inoculated nor does he use contraceptives. There’s simply no way he could be gay!

What’s more, Facts Quarterly, a scientific journal, uses scientific measurements of heterosexuality to rate the straightest men of all time. They use the scientific method with follicles to ascertain to a factual certainty who the least-gay people. Last month, they published their list of the “Top 10 Straightest Most Heterosexual People of All Time”. Let’s take a look at this list:

  1. Rock Hudson
  2. James Buchanan
  3. Raven-Symone
  4. Robert Reed
  5. Donald J. Trump
  6. Rock Hudson
  7. Raymond Burr
  8. Wham! (The Band)
  9. My Son Gary
  10. Frank Ocean

See, not only in is Trump on the “Most Straight People” of all time list, he’s tied (with my son, Gary, who still won’t talk to me) for second-most appearances on said list behind fellow straight ultra-ripped alpha male Rock Hudson. Rock Hudson met Ronald Reagan, you know. There’s nothing gay about that.

Frankly, I’m at a loss as to what to say. This damaging rumor that Donald Trump is a Gay Man has to end. Donald Trump is as straight as the world is long, and hard. Look at his wives! Gay men don’t get married multiple times, unless say one wife finds out and he needs to keep up the façade. But that almost never happens, and there’s no hard evidence that that happened here.

Sorry liberals, looks like Donald Trump is straight.


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