Scenes from the Alternate Reality Where Mike Love Was Never Born and Definitely Never Joined The Beach Boys

“Oh man, boys,” whispered Brian Wilson, “I’m really worried about our new album, Smile. The label seems to be breathing down my neck, they really want it out fast, but I want to take my time.”

“Oh that’s okay Brian,” crooned his brothers, Dennis and Carl, “We understand the pressures of stardom. We’re not going to push you to do anything you’re not comfortable with. We are The Beach Boys, after all, we’re a big family!”

“Thanks guys,” murmured Brian Wilson as he threw all of his drugs in the garbage, “I guess I’m not going to need these, after all.”

*

“Man! I really like your style!” yawped Al Jardine, another one of The Beach Boys, “I’ve talked to all the other Beach Boys and we want you to join the Beach Boys! After all, since Mike Love was never born, we’ve been down a member!

“Wow! Thanks!” screamed the man in glee, “I’m going to make sure you won’t regret it. I promise I will live up to The Beach Boys’ name, and won’t ever do anything immoral or violent because of it.”

“That’s great to hear,” beamed Al, “What’s your name, anyway?”

“It’s Jeff,” smiled Jeff, “Jeff Dahmer.”

*

“I think I’m going to run for President,” whispered young Donald Trump to his best friend, occasional Beach Boy Bruce Johnston.

“No, don’t do that,” snapped Bruce.

“Okay I won’t.”

“Promise?”

“I promise.”

*

American President Harry Truman sat wracked with guilt, trying to decide whether to drop atomic bombs on Nagasaki and Hiroshima.

Truman walked to the mirror and dramatically screamed, “Should I drop these bombs?”
Just then, in waddled two-year-old baby boy Brian Wilson. He wordlessly coasted by Truman, and sat at the piano. He began to play the chords to The Beach Boys’ 1977 song ‘Ding Dang’ from their lukewarm received LP Love You.

In shock, Truman fell to the floor to appreciate the okayness of this mildly above-average Beach Boys deep cut.

“Okay,” whispered Truman, “I won’t drop the bombs.”

*

The Illuminati sat down for their annual world-leader meeting. The year previously, The Beach Boys had released the album ‘Surf’s Up’ and, since Mike Love was never born, it did not have the fucking terrible song ‘Student Demonstration Time’. Because of this, it sold a billion copies and the Beach Boys were now some of the richest boys on earth. Hence, they got invited to the Illuminati meetings.

“Okay,” began Illuminati Leader Abe Vigoda, “We have to make a decision. We can either cure cancer or fuck up Richard Nixon’s day.”

“Let’s fuck with Nixon,” screamed fellow illuminatus, Sonny Bono, “And call it Watergate.”

Legend has it that, were not for the words of Brian Wilson, this motion would have passed without objection.

But, brave Brian Wilson, drug-free and not saddled by mental illness, stood in his seat, and screamed, “Let’s just do both!”

The Illuminati murmured a bit before agreeing, “Okay, fine.”

Brian snuck a discrete thumbs-up to his brother, Carl Wilson, who lived forever.

Inspired by Brian’s bravery, Sonny quit skiing that very day.

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