“Briefs”, Part 14

Previously on Briefs: It’s been a while since the last entry (what hiatus?), so we’re being super detailed with the recap. Superstar Defence Attorney Octavian Charles had a relationship with the mysterious Sung Kong. Only problem, Sung Kong was engaging in an elaborate sting to trick Octavian into becoming President of The United States. Sung, along with Octavian’s nemesis Judge Overstreet, arranged for Octavian to be charged with treason. Sung gave Octavian a choice: become President or face the death penalty. Octavian chose neither and is instead choosing to go to trial. Meanwhile, Sung also engineered a shockingly easy takeover of Octavian’s firm, putting her and Octavian’s ever-conflicted ex-fiancée in charge of the firm, now christened Sung Powers LLP. Octavian, now on his own, sprung his former law partner, Regan Josh, from prison using an innovative double jeopardy defense, and the two formed yet another new firm, Josh Charles LLP.

Super Hot Defense Attorney Octavian Charles curled a fifty-pound dumbbell as he looked out the window of his beautiful ivory apartment. He could see all of the city from here. He retreated here when he needed to think and pump his guns.

Things were not going well for Octavian’s ex-wife, Dana Gardner, had been appointed to his spot on the Supreme Court. His ex-fiancée, Ophelia Powers, had stolen his firm out from under him. His quasi-ex-girlfriend Sung Kong had brought evidence to his ex-best Friend, the District Attorney, implicating him in treason against the United States of America. Not only that, His ex-lover, Kendra Von Puter, the current President of The United States of America, was pushing to give Octavian the death penalty for the aforementioned treason.

It had been a difficult couple of days.

Octavian looked out on sixth avenue. He had nothing left. A tear fell down his cheek. The tear twisted and rolled and fell down to the floor, onto a picture frame. Octavian looked at the picture. It was him and his Law Partner, Regan Josh, and their mutual friend, Danny Proust. They were eating a taco.

Octavian smiled. Maybe he hadn’t lost everything.

He had one thing.

He had his boys.

*

Danny Proust beamed and asked, “So I have a job?”

Regan Josh sighed, “Well we’re not going to pay you. And you’re not a partner.”

“Can I have my own office?” Danny asked giddily.

“Absolutely not.”

“Obviously, I’m gonna take this job,” yawped Danny, “Even despite our history. I have literally no other job prospects. They’ve barred me from working at Legal Aid because I get all my clients the death penalty. Last week this teenage girl came in to contest a traffic ticket and, needless to say, she’s dead.”

“Maybe don’t talk anymore Danny.”

Just then, Danny slithered over to the window and cut the lights.

He turned to his boss, Regan, and whispered all sexy-like, “Now, do you still want to see those briefs?”

 *

Ophelia Powers had it all. Money, power, her name on the door of her very own law firm. Sure, she had destroyed Octavian to do it, but she had never needed Octavian.

Or so she told herself.

She skipped over a porcelain mannequin, walked to the window, placed her hand on the glass, and openly wept.

 *

Octavian Charles ran into the room and screamed, “How are we going to get my case dismissed?”

Regan sighed, “Oh yeah, I forgot about that. There’s been a lot going on. You’re on trial for treason, right?”

“Yes,” wept Octavian, “And my nemesis Judge Overstreet is presiding over the case.”

“Well, first things first, we’ve got to get him kicked off the case,” whispered Regan, placing his Bear Arms down on his desk.

“Regan, do you have to bring those things everywhere?”

“Try to focus Charles. You know I have a second amendment right to Bear Arms,” growled Regan.

“Right, sorry. How do we get him kicked off the case?”

“Well,” laughed Regan, “You’re a republican. Do you know what that means?”

“That Overstreet is a democrat.”

“Right, and what do democrats hate?”

“Innocent babies. They want to gobble them up.”

“Absolutely,” laughed Regan, “So all we need to do is get Judge Overstreet to come out as pro-life and he’ll be kicked out of the Democratic Party and forced to resign.”

“Devious! But how!”

Regan sighed and lifted one of his Bear Arms to wipe a tear from Octavian’s cheek, “There’s only one way to make him do it. He hates you. If you come out as pro-choice, he’ll have no choice but to appose you.”

“But I’m a loyal Republican!”

“Octavian,” sighed Regan once again, “Last week you got a free abortion because your 20-punch card was filled up.”

“That’s immaterial. If voters find out that I’m pro-abortion I can kiss my shot at the Supreme Court goodbye.”

“You’re a Republican. Do a quick Google search of ‘Clarence Thomas Anita Hill’. The usual standards don’t apply.”

*

Danny sprinted through the park, trying to catch a bird. He’d nearly caught it in his mouth when he fell through an uncovered manhole.

Hitting the bottom with a decisive thwack, Danny began to critically examine his life decisions.

He regretted nothing.

*

“Order in the courtroom,” screamed Judge Overstreet, “Now for maximum pain of all involved, I’ve appointed a special prosecutor. Yes, yes, it’s late in the trial to do so, but I just had the idea so get off my fucking back.”

He delivered the last line glaring at the jury.

“Anyways, meet our new special prosecutor, Octavian’s ex-fiancée and one-true-love Ophelia Powers.”

Octavian’s jaw hit the ground. He couldn’t believe it. He had never felt so betrayed. Ophelia tried to mouth something at him, but he turned away dramatically.

Tears falling down his face, Octavian approached the bench and yawped, “Judge, I have something to say.”

“No!” screamed Overstreet.

“Let him speak!” whimpered Ophelia, garnering glares from all involved, except Octavian, obviously.

“Fine,” scoffed Overstreet, “Say what you want. It’s probably dumb anyway.”

Octavian raised his hand and bravely screeched, “A woman has a right to choose what she does with her body.”

Overstreet started banging his gavel and screaming indiscriminately. Finally composing himself, he growled, “Right to choose, that’s a lie! Babies don’t choose to die.”

Just then, suit-clad goons from the Democratic Party burst into the courtroom and wrestled a histrionically screaming Overstreet to the ground. They injected him with a clear liquid and he went limp. They slung the body over their shoulder and hid it from view. Before leaving (with Overstreet) one of the goons approached the court and, through soft velvety lips, murmured, “Uh… Judge Overstreet had an incident. He’ll be gone for a while for re-education. All democrats are pro choice. Just do the trial without a judge, they’re not important anyway.”

And with a wisp of smoke, they were gone.

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