‘Briefs’, Part 13

Previously On Briefs: It was revealed that Octavian’s sometime girlfriend Sung Kong is behind the conspiracy to have Octavian arrested for treason. She also staged a hostile takeover of his firm, Josh Charles LLP. It is now Kong, Overstreet, & Powers. She also appeared to Octavian with a new offer: she’s willing to drop the charges against Octavian if he joins the Democratic Party and becomes President of the United States. Meanwhile, former Named Partner Regan Josh began severely abusing drugs after he got suspended. This climaxed when he murdered his drug dealer, family man Greg Motorola. He is currently in prison.

“Fuck no,” screamed Octavian, spitting on Sung Kong’s offer, “I will never be President of the United States. If I wanted to earn no money and have someone yell at me all the time I’d just hang out with my mother.”

“Your mother is delight,” screamed Sung, “Stop complaining. She’s sacrificed so much for you, you ungrateful little shit.”

“Who’s side are you on?!” balked Octavian.

“Not yours dumbasss,” screeched Sung intensely, “Or did you miss the part where I had you arrested for treason?”

“Oh yeah, I guess you are technically my enemy,” whispered Octavian, “And do you know what I do with my enemies?”

“No,” yawped Sung super-sexy like, “But I’ll bet you’ll show me.”

The two embraced passionately on the table, and then on the wall, and then back to the table.

*

Octavian Charles needed an attorney. Everyone had betrayed him and he was out of options. He was going to see the one man he hoped he’d never have to see again. His old partner, Regan Josh.

Since they’d last talked, Regan had murdered his drug dealer, Greg Motorola, in a drug-fueled rage. Then he’d taken out a prison guard in order to establish dominance. One more and it would be classified as a spree.

He was still the best damn criminal defence attorney Octavian had ever seen.

Octavian walked into the Saint Charles Berkeley Prison for Dangerous Criminals and sat down at an interrogation table. Soon, the guards brought in Regan.

“What happened to you?” whispered Octavian with concern, looking at his former partner now covered with prison tattoos and shackled to a chair.

“You happened, bro,” growled Regan, “You destroyed my life!”

“I didn’t force you to do drugs Regan. I certainly didn’t force you to kill Greg Motorola. Or the guard!”

“You may as well have! You got me fired from the firm!” screeched Regan.

“Suspended, Regan, not fired. And it was only because of your affair with Danny-“

“What affair?! We weren’t having a goddamn affair. We’re two straight dudes that would take naps together because we slept better that way! It’s exactly like that episode of Friends.”

Octavian sighed, “That’s either a lie or a retcon, but I really don’t care either way. Be gay or be not gay, I don’t care. However you were born is fine.”

“Well thanks for your permission,” growled Regan, “But I could not be more straight.”

“Is that what this is about? The killing, the prison tattoos, the whole gruff prisoner act? Is this all just performative masculinity? Are you worried that being gay makes you less of a man? Because that’s not true. There’s nothing wrong with being gay, Regan. Celebrate who you are.”

“Fuck you,” scoffed Regan, “That’s supposed to be subtext. It adds pathos to my character. It makes people sympathize with my plight because it recontextualizes my actions. This way, when I come back to the firm a reformed and openly gay man readers will celebrate how I have embraced the truth and moved away from a morally degrading lie.”

Regan paused before adding, “It’s called a character arc, you fucking asshole. Don’t take that away from me.”

*

Junior Partner turned to his boss, Managing Partner and Named Partner Ophelia Powers before deeply furrowing his brow and asking, quite sincerely, “Who run the world?”

Ophelia sighed and responded, “Girls.”

*

“So I need a lawyer,” began Octavian, turning back to Regan, “Will you be mine?”

Regan laughed, “I’m in prison.”

“So we have a deal, then?” asked Octavian, “I get you out of prison and you be my lawyer.”

“How the hell are you going to do that?” laughed Regan, “They have me on tape killing both of those people.”

“Well, firstly, I got the district attorney to agree to a ‘Double Jeopardy’ type situation.”
“What do you mean?”

“Well they agreed that if you get acquitted of the first murder, they won’t try you for the second. But if you are declared guilty, then both murders count for double.”

“That’s about standard,” laughed Regan again, “So how are you going to get my acquitted. They have me on tape killing Greg Motorola. Tons of eyewitnesses, and I confessed.”

“I have a perfect legal defence.”

“And what’s that? What reason could you possibly offer as to why I killed Greg Motorola?”

Octavian smiled and said, “Because he was asking for it, dressed like that.”

*

Danny ran up to Sung Kong, another named partner, and asked, “How can we be lovers, if we can’t be friends?”

Sung glared at Danny before screaming, “We will NEVER be friends. We will NEVER be lovers. If you ever talk to me again for any reason you’re fired.”

*

“The judge is double jeopardy murder in the first degree,” intomed Judge Reinhold, turning to the courtroom, “How do you pleed?”

Octavian turned to his client, Regan Josh, winked, and then turned back to the judge, and bellowed, “Not guilty, by reason of he was asking for it dressed that way.”

“Let me get this straight,” scoffed the Judge, “Your legal defence is that the defendant, Mr. Josh, was right to kill Mr. Motorola–a family man–because he was dressed a certain way?”

“Abso-fucking-lutely bro,” yawped Octavian, “It’s like Geraldo Rivera said, ‘the hoodie is as much responsible for the death as anyone’. It wasn’t my client, Regan Josh, who pulled the trigger. It was Greg Motorola’s decision to dress so suggestively, so irresponsibly, that forced the gun to fire.”

“This defence is unprecedented!”

“Is it?” laughed Octavian, “Then why isn’t George Zimmerman in prison? He murdered some poor boy in the street, just like my client, Regan Josh, did when he was FORCED to shoot Greg Motorola.”

“You know what?” asked Judge Reinhold rhetorically, “That legal defence is legit enough to acquit. I’ll let you go to trial.”

“Thanks bro.”

“Ain’t no thang bro.”

“Brah.”

“Bump it.”

“Mmm. yeah. That’s real good.”

*

Danny Proust turned to his third and final boss, Dan Rydell Overstreet, and asked, “Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?”

Overstreet gritted his teeth and asked, “Why?”

“Because then we wouldn’t have to wait so long,” Danny smiled widely.

“You’re fired, Danny.”

*

District Attorney William Chase began questioning the witness, Regan Josh, “Is it true, Regan, that you killed Mr. Motorola?”

“Yes,” laughed Regan sultrily.

“Is it true that you killed him because you were in a drug-induced rage? That Mr. Motorola had refused you drugs and this led to his murder?”

“I have a fifth amendment right not to incriminate myself,” screamed Regan, before pointing to the strange, long furry objects he had brought to the courtroom, and adding, “and a second amendment right to BEAR ARMS.”

William furrowed his brow. Regan had to be one of the best lawyers he had ever seen. He knew a bit of the Bill of Rights and everything. And the bear arms! Gee whiz. This was the first time William had ever heard of the fifth amendment. He was dumbfounded!

“Describe, for the jury, what Mr. Motorola was wearing,” whispered William, regaining composure.

“Idk,” laughed Regan, “I wasn’t paying attention. I was high out of my goddamn mind, so I shot him up real good when he didn’t give me any more drugs. I didn’t pay attention to what he was wearing.”

William was ecstatic. He’d expertly tricked the witness into admitting that the murder had nothing to do with how the victim was dressed. The case was won!

“Wait, fuck. I forgot my defence. I’m pretty high right now,” Regan turned to the judge and asked, “Can I have a do-over on that testimony?”

“Granted,” growled Judge Reinhold, “Every defendant gets at least one do-over on the trial, as it is written in the constitution. The prosecution will re-ask the question and get a new answer.”

William shrugged. Just when he thought he had Regan beat he’d broken out another trick from his legal playbook. His legal strategy was off the charts humongous great. He cleared his throat and re-asked the question, “Describe, for the jury, what Mr. Motorola was wearing.”

Regan turned and made direct eye contact with the jury before yelling, “He was asking for it, dressed like that.”

*

Danny packed up his desk and looked out the window. It was raining. He had so many questions in his soul and no one to ask. He looked up to God, clasped both hands, and asked sincerely:

“Are we human, or are we Dancer?”

*

Octavian Charles stood to give his closing argument but Regan put down his bear arms and grabbed Octavin’s arm and yelled, “No.”

“What?” asked Octavian.

“We can’t close. Our case is already too strong. If we make it any stronger we might alienate the jury.”

“God,” whispered Octavian in admiration, “You are a genius of legal strategy.”

“The defence rests,” they yelled together.

William Chase looked over at the their table confusingly. He shrugged, and began his close, “Murder is a cri-“

“Oh shut the fuck up!” yelled the Jury Foreman at William, “We reached a decision and none of your punk-ass bullshit is going to change it.”

William Chase looked confused, began to stutter and stammer, before starting, “But I-“

“NOT GUILTY!” yelled the jury as they began to hug and skip around the jury box.

As the hooplah died down, Regan turned to Octavian and whispered, “You know, we make a great team. You have the bluster and the charisma, and I have the legal strategy and the bear arms. We should be partners again.”

“You mean start a new firm?”

“Absolutely,” smiled Regan, “And I have the perfect name.”

The two yelled together, “Josh Charles LLP.”

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