7 Simple Words That Would Clinch Trump The Election

Let’s not pretend that Donald Trump has already won this election. Yes, he’s leading in all the polls and yes, if the election were today he’d receive every electoral vote and yes, in that case he’d strap Crooked Hillary Clinton into a cannon and fire her directly into the sun.

Yes, that’s all true.

But we can’t forget–Democrats don’t play fair. Back in 2012, Romney had a 10 point lead in the polls heading into election day. Not only that, but he was leading in the crucial metrics of Rally Size and Retweets, the two most important factors for determining candidate success.

What did the Democrats do? They stole the election. Using a cunning and incompetent method of voter fraud called “Black Voters” the Democrats stole the election from rightful winner and friend of the blog, Mitt Romney. This is yet another disgusting and overt way that Democrats have malapropriated and perverted the will of the American people.

So how can we combat this?

Big Harvard Scientists estimated that a Republican candidate needs a 20-point margin to squeeze out a narrow victory over the Democrats, once you account for widespread voter fraud. Some big-dick Republicans have came up with innovative ways to stop this evil (like in North Carolina, where they passed legislating making it difficult for African-American voters to vote), but it’s unlikely that this issue will be solved in time for election day.

So the question is: how do we get Trump to 20 percent?

It’s no secret that freefootballscholarships is no friend to Donald Trump. We have passionately supported Real American Ted Cruz while Fake Democrat Donald Trump glad-handed his way into stealing the nomination. Donald Trump is bad for the conservative movement: we like to keep our racism and homophobia covert so we can insidiously needle it into public discourse. Donald Trump just yells it. It exposes the whole game! When Donald Trump explicitly details his terrible, hateful policies it shines a light on Ted Cruz’s implicit (but plausibly deniable) support of even more radical versions of those same policies. We don’t want people to know what we’re about or what we believe! We want to disguise it in dog-whistles, obvious evasions, and Benghazi. Trump is spoiling the plan! People might start figuring out what Republicans actually mean when they say things like “Voter Fraud” or “Urban”.

Obviously, the best thing to do would be to remove Trump as the candidate and run Real American Ted Cruz in his place. This would ensure a Republican victory, ushering in a beautiful, Utopian future where we don’t have to deal with surprisingly articulate urban youths.

But we missed our chance. Trump is the nominee. We deal with the cards we’re dealt, and we were dealt a Trump card.

 

So how do we get him to twenty?

Trump needs to find a way into the hearts and minds of every-day Americans. He needs to find something that appeals to them and ingratiate himself within that. This is what Ronald Reagan did so well with his famous “I Have A Dream” Speech. This is what his own wife, Ivanka Trump, did with her famous Gettysburg Address. Trump needs a dream, he needs a Gettysburg, then he’s got his twenty percent margin.

How could he possibly accomplish this?

It’s dead simple. All Trump needs to do is say these seven simple words, and he’s got his Ronald Reagan moment. All he needs is to say these words and he’s won the election. And he’s saved America.

What does he need to say?

“Are You Kidding? I am Queens Boulevard”.

That’s right, all Donald Trump needs to do is spout off Vincent Chase’s signature catchphrase from the first couple seasons of Entourage. The reasoning is simple: if you made a Venn Diagram of “Entourage Fans” and “Voters” it would be a goddamn circle. Trump spouting this catchphrase is an implicit signal to Voters that he understands their interests, identifies with their plights, and he is their to represent them. Crooked Hillary won’t even see it coming! This would send her campaign into a tailspin it wouldn’t ever recover from.

You see, elections aren’t about facts or policy. They aren’t even really about fear. They’re about narcissism. You see yourself in a candidate and then you go out and vote for yourself. Whichever candidate is more successful at convincing you that they’re you wins. George W. Bush was great at this: he didn’t offer people an articulate explanation of their policies, but rather a barrage of approachable personality quirks. They got to know Bush, the man, and they saw bits of themselves in Bush (“I mispronounce things too!”) and that gave him the win over Gore, an aloof, impersonal politician.

Trump taps into this by being so immensely flawed: you see the person under it all and if that person is familiar enough, you’ll fall in line behind him. Trump has done a good job of this so far, but he desperately needs that Entourage boost to push him over the top. He missed a golden opportunity by not casting one of the Entourage guys as his Vice President (instead he went with Enemy of the Blog Mike Pence), but he can make up for that with these seven simple words.

He can play around with it, too. Maybe sometimes emphasize the “you”. Like “Are you kidding?” or put the emphasis on “Queens”. This allows Trump to use some of his individual flair to liven up the proceedings. Really, this should be the only thing Trump says between now and election day (it’s certainly the only thing he needs to say), because if he keeps up with the hateful rhetoric then people might get distracted from his true message. That, being, of course, “I am Queens Boulevard”.

Imagine the debates, Crooked Hillary on one side wonking poetically about policy, boring everyone to sleep. Trump’s response? “Are You Kidding Me? I am Queens Boulevard”.

 

Instant victory. Electoral landslide.

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