Previously On: Superstar Defence Attorney was arrested for treason as part of a vast left-wing conspiracy to bring him down. He’s also been having an affair with his employee, Ophelia Powers, who took over his firm after he was arrested. He’s currently dating the mysterious Sung Kong, a woman who may be part of the aforementioned left-wing conspiracy. Octavian hired a private investigator to find Sung Kong’s longform birth certificate, but he hasn’t yet delivered on his promise. Also, Octavian’s nemesis, Dan Rydell Overstreet, resigned from the Vice Presidency so he could serve as the Judge on Octavian’s case.
Junior Partner Danny Proust’s lips quivered tenatively as he asked again, “Is it true?”
Ophelia Powers sighed, “Yes Danny, it is. The firm can’t meet operating costs. First Regan got suspended, then he murdered his drug dealer, now I’m hearing he murdered another guy in prison. Then, Octavian got arrested for treason. That’s both of the named partners. Compound all this with Gustavo’s murder charges and subsequent acquittal and Clients are fleeing the firm like rats running away from the Titanic.”
“Are we going to have to close the firm?”
“I… fuck… probably,” cried Ophelia, “We can’t meet operating costs. We have a budget shortfall.”
Danny gritted his teeth, “How much?”
Ophelia braced for the worst, “Fifty dollars.”
“Jesus Christ! Fuck! How can we get that kind of money?”
“We can’t Danny, we’re just lawyers. There’s no way we can earn fifty more dollars. The firm is going to close.”
Danny began to sob openly. Ophelia joined in. Soon, the entire office had broken out into tears.
At the last possible second before the firm was forced to close, in slithered the mysterious Sung Kong. She walked up to Ophelia’s desk and discreetly slammed down a crisp fifty dollar bill.
Sung glimmered evilly before yawping, “I think we’re going to have to make some changes around here. Get the partners together.”
Octavian walked into the court room where he was being tried for treason. He looked around and waved discreetly at his best friend, District Attorney William Chase. William winked back.
Judge Overstreet sighed, turned to William, and asked, “Do you have any more witnesses?”
“That’s all for the defence, your honour. I think I presented a pretty strong case, and the jury will see that. William has no more witnesses either,” screamed Octavian at Judge Overstreet.
“Actually that’s not quite true,” bellowed William, “The prosecution would like to call a surprise witness.”
“And who’s that?”
Private Investigator D’Jason Orleans was so proud of himself for finding Sung Kong’s long-form birth certificate that he took a nap. Needless to say, he did not deliver to Octavian in time for him to uncover Sung’s treachery, which was all explicitly outlined in the long-form section of the birth certificate.
Needless to say, D’Jason Orleans is so fired.
Prosecuting Attorney William Chase turned to the witness, Sung Kong, and asked, “So why did you come forward, today?”
Sung smiled and pointed to Octavian, “His treachery was too much to bear. He is an enemy to America.”
Octavian was flabbergasted! He didn’t see this coming at all.
“Tell me about your relationship with the defendant.”
“He was emotionally distant, he’d cheat on me all the time.”
“Objection!” yelled Octavian.
“Is any of that untrue?” scoffed Sung as she presented shockingly graphic photographs of Octavian and Ophelia carrying on their illicit affair. The jury gasped.
“Objection withdrawn,” muttered Octavian.
“Thank you Ms. Kong,” continued William, “Now it is my impression that you brought a recording with you to court today.”
“Objection!” yelled Octavian.
“Shut the fuck up,” growled Judge Overstreet, “Overruled. The witness will play the tape.”
Sung removed the tape recorder she had been discretely using to record Octavian’s actions for their entire relationship and hit play. A voice that sounded basically nothing like Octavian’s came out, saying, “I hate America. I do treason. Love Ron Howard. I am a spy.”
The jury began to scream and jeer at Octavian.
“Objection! That’s not me on the tape!”
“Jesus Christ man,” yelled Judge Overstreet at Octavian, “Learn to shut the fuck up. Seriously, man, are you a fucking idiot? God… I hate you. You know what I’d do if I had a time machine? I sure as fuck wouldn’t kill Hitler because what he did wasn’t near as bad as what your mother did. I’d kill her and her entire goddamn family. Father’s side too. I’d kill people who I think might meet you in the future. It would be a goddamn massacre, but it’d stop you. And I say all this as a devout pacifist, I just fucking hate you so goddamn much. Jesus Christ, I wish you would just die already.”
After his speech a silence descended onto the court room. Judge Overstreet turned to the court stenographer and asked, “Did you get all that?”
Octavian sprinted into Ophelia’s office and yelled, “I need help.”
Ophelia remained inscrutable before murmuring, “I saw what happened in court today. That’ll be difficult for you to recover from.”
“For us. I’m a big part of this firm. I think I need to bring in real representation. Will you be my lawyer?” Octavian begged.
Ophelia frowned, “I can’t represent you. It would be a conflict of interest. A named partner at this firm was a material witness in your case.”
“What do you mean? I’m the defendant and Regan is in prison.”
“Octavian, I don’t know how to tell you this.”
“Tell me what? This firm is Josh Charles LLP and I’m Charles!”
“The partners met. We voted.”
“Voted for what?”
“I’m sorry,” crooned Ophelia as she pointed to the masthead of the firm.
Octavian gasped. “Josh” and “Charles” were crossed out. The firm was now called: KONG, OVERSTREET, & POWERS.
Danny Proust stood at the stop of the staircase and sighed.
This is too dangerous, he thought, I know what I have to do.
He shed a single tear and began to take off his rollerblades, one by one.
“You betrayed me!” screamed Octavian at Ophelia.
“Mr. Charles, you are no longer a member of this firm, unless you have further business dealings here I’d advise you to leave. I will get security to throw you out of the building.”
“This is my building! This is my firm!”
Ophelia shuddered and pressed the silent alarm on her desk, summoning security to throw her one true love, Octavian Charles, out of the building.
“Goodbye my love,” she cried as he was dragged away.
Octavian was grabbing coffee when a visibly dishevelled District Attorney William Chase ran up to him and grabbed his arm.
“Take the plea,” he begged Octavian, “You don’t know who these people are. What they’re capable of. Please take the plea.”
“We shouldn’t be talking outside of court,” scoffed Octavian.
“I’ve got taken off the case. They hired a prosecutor from the private sector.”
“Then we have nothing to talk about,” yelled Octavian as he poured his coffee to the ground, real slow like, maintaining I contact with William the entire time before, again, screaming, “Fuck you bro.”
Sung Kong skipped into the meeting room and slammed down a binder in front of Octavian Charles.
“You can’t win, Charles. Give it up, it’s over,” yawped Sung.
“I’m never giving up. I’m innocent. You did this to me!”
“Maybe so,” smiled Sung, “But I can un-do it just as easily.”
“What do you mean?”
“You never did find my long-form birth certificate, did you?” laughed Sung, “It’s a shame, because any time someone is hiding their birth certificate it’s because they’re a nefarious person. There were shocking things in my longform birth certificate! You were right to look for it. Whenever someone seems ethnic you should hire investigators to find their birth certificate, because they’re 100% trying to swindle the American people.”
“I know,” growled Octavian, “So who are you?”
“I’ve gone by a lot of names. Barabara, Chelsea, Hillary, Michelle… It’s not important. What’s more important is the people I represent. Powerful people, Octavian. And they want to offer you a deal.”
“What’s the deal?”
“Four years. No criminal record. You work off your sentence in our minimum security prison at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.”
“1600 Penn? That’s the White House!”
Sung smiled evilly.
“That’s right you dumb shit,” laughed Sung maniacally, “We want you to be president of the United States!”