It’s nearly summertime, so you know what that means… Summer Movies! That’s right, you’ll be able to see all of your favorite actors take their first steps on the silver screen.
So, in service to you, I’ve checked out all the hot new movies coming out and found the best upcoming films. You won’t want to miss any of these:
1. Must Love Dogs 2: Must Love Frogs: Picking up immediately after 2005 Hit Comedy Must Love Dogs ended, Sarah Nolan (Diane Lane) has found love with Jake Anderson (John Cusack). The two get married but run into a little problem, Sarah doesn’t love frogs! Jake can’t believe his luck, so he chops up Sarah real good. Now, on the run from police, Jake must take refuge in a cash-only motel in South Dakota. There, he meets the mysterious Lexii Crush (Amber Heard). Jake doesn’t know if he’s ready to find love again, but that won’t stop love from finding him! There’s only one rule: she must love frogs.
2. James Joyce’s Ulysses: A new film re-imagining of the famous novel. The film follows hot, young, college co-ed Stephen Dedalus (Chris Hemsworth) while he’s on spring break from Boston College. Stephen’s mother (Marisa Tomei) recently died, but before she died she made Stephen promise to throw the sickest spring break party in all the land! Only problem is, Boston College has a new dean, Leopold Bloom (Kirk Douglas), who’s cracking down on all the sick spring break parties! What’s worse, Bloom has a personal vendetta against Stephen because Stephen had had an affair with Bloom’s wife, Molly (Elizabeth Hurley). Now, Stephen must find a way to honor his mother’s dying wish while not getting kicked out of Boston College! Meanwhile, stately plump Buck Mulligan came from the stairhead, bearing a bowl of lather on which a mirror and a razor lay crossed.
3. Killington Avenue: Young couple Mark and Jennifer (Ryan Hansen and Liza Minelli) decide to get married and start their lives together. They buy a house on the mysterious Killington Avenue. Slowly, they notice things seem out of order: body parts strewn about, blood-filled pools, subprime mortgages that are expressly illegal under Massachusetts State Law, and hilarious talking dog Larry (Rob Schneider). Now Mark and Jennifer must band together with Larry, who falls down a lot and often farts, to discover the secrets of Killington Avenue.
4. Snow Dogs 2 – The Snow Dogs Eat A Child’s Face: The much-delayed sequel to Snow Dogs. It finished filming in 2006 but was not released after a series of incredibly unpopular test screenings. Apparently the movie contains several sections of the titular Snow Dogs methodologically hunting people down, engaging otherwise innocent people is psychological warfare, and, of course, overpowering and eating said people. Test screeners described it as “revolting” and “the most disgusting, disturbing film I have ever seen”. Though, one strange man in the back of the theatre described the film as “real good. reaaaaaal good.” So, there’s that.
5. Tylenol Extra Strength – The Movie: Finally coming to the silver screen, Tylenol Extra Strength – The Movie is a film version of popular over-the-counter anti-inflammatory Tylenol Extra Strength. The film follows Tylenol Extra Strength (Joe Jonas) as he overcomes his social anxiety to try out for the basketball team. Truth is, Tylenol Extra Strength doesn’t even like sports! He’s a sensitive, caring soul, far more interested in books and feelings than typical masculine fair. He’s only hoping to join the team to impress Ibuprofen (Ariana Grande). Now, with the big game coming up, Tylenol Extra Strength must rely on himself to score the big goal, so he can score big with Ibuprofen! Meanwhile, evil Principal Advil (Damon Wayans Jr.) who’s out to get Tylenol Extra Strength, no matter what the personal cost.