“Briefs”, Part 10

Previously on: Superstar Lawyer Octavian Charles was arrested for treason for allegedly taking a bribe in exchange for freeing a North Korean spy. Gustavo Solaveva, a partner at Octavian’s firm, was also arrested for allegedly murdering his own client while he was on the witness stand.

Ophelia Powers wiped some dirt off of her shoulder with a sanitary napkin and then shrugged and resumed her opening plea.

“Not guilty, your honor,” she screamed, pointing to her client Gustavo Solaveva.

“What?!” screeched Judge Kweli, “He murdered his client on the stand, in full view of the courtroom! I recorded it on my iPhone 6c!”

Damnit, thought Ophelia, The beautiful and immaculate camera on the iPhone 6C (available wherever Apple Products are Sold) is so clear and flawless that it could sink my case! At least Judge Kweli didn’t capture everything on his Apple EarPods. Apple EarPods, you can hear the difference.

“Objection!” screeched Ophelia, “Heresy!”

“Sustained,” growled Kweli, “The video recordings will be destroyed.”

Well, that was easy, sighed Ophelia.

*

Octavian Charles readied his tie and stood up in the courtroom.

“Court is in session,” yawped the Bailiff, “The honourable Judge Daniel Rydell Overstreet Persuading. The charge is treason in the fir-“

“Objection!” screamed Octavian.

“What is it now, Charles,” growled the Bailiff.

“Overstreet can’t preside over the case! He’s implicated in the scandal. He’s also not a judge!”

“Blah blah blah,” yelled Overstreet as he sat down to preside over the case, “Shut the fuck up, whiner.”

“Objection!” yelled Octavian again, “The judge just told me to shut the fuck up. He can’t be impartial in this case! He’s my nemesis.”

“Is this true?” the Bailiff asked of Overstreet, “Do you have a prior relationship with the accused?”

“Yeah, I fucking hate that guy. I’ve made it my life’s work to ruin his life.”

“Can you be impartial?”

“No.”

“Are you actually a judge?”

“No, I just sort of showed up. I used my government connections to have the judge who was supposed to take this case all blended up like eggs in a shaking coffee can.”

“Yikes,” sighed the Bailiff, “And one last question. Are you implicated in this case?”

“Well,” sighed Overstreet, “Yeah. Octavian is actually pretty much innocent. I engineered most of this as an elaborate way to bring him down. Because, as you know, I fucking hate that guy. I’m not currently under investigation, though, because I agreed to fabricate testimony against Charles in exchange for a Vice-Presidential Pardon. Which I issued myself as I used to be Vice President of the United States.”

“Thank you for your honesty” yawped the Bailiff, “I don’t see a problem. You can judge this case.”

Just then, a mysterious figure snuck out of the shadows and discretely slipped the Bailiff a crisp fifty dollar bill.

“Objection! Bribery!” yelled Octavian.

“Nobody saw nothing,” growled Judge Overstreet.

*

Junior Partner Danny Proust was skipping down the stairs with his shoes untied. He was having the best day.

All of a sudden, he stumbled and swayed tenuously from side to side. He was near falling when he grabbed the railing and steadied himself.

Not falling down the stairs today, thought Danny as he started to whistle a tune.

*

Gustavo Solaveva sat down on the witness stand to begin giving his testimony.

“So,” began his lawyer, Ophelia Powers, “Walk us through that terrible day.”

“I had been assigned by the government to defend Sebastien Van Der Miles,” Gustavo glanced at the jury, “Terrible man. Eats babies. Eats them right up!”

“Objection!” yelled Assistant Distract Attorney Arthur Blackwood, the man prosecuting the case.

“Try to stay on topic,” bellowed Judge Kweli.

“Anyway,” continued Gustavo, “I was forced to defend this jerk. He killed my brother, you know. Right after he signed up for Obamacare.”

A resounded shudder went through the jury after hearing that terrible word, Obamacare.

“He was on the stand,” Gustavo continued once more, “And he started screaming about how he hates America and loves communism. I became worried he potentially could have a gun, a gun he could use to shoot children, so I took steps to incapacitate him, unfortunately causing his death.”

“After all,” finished Gustavo, “The only thing that stops a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a knife. Or an icepick.”

The jury stood up and applauded.

*

Suspended Josh Charles LLP Senior Partner Regan Josh woke up on the floor, just like yesterday and the day before. He walked to the fridge to get another bottle of scotch, tripping over an empty bottle but uneasily regaining his balance.

Anything to make the pain stop, he thought as he took a swig.

His eyes wandered to the syringe on the counter.

Anything to make the pain stop.

He picked up the syringe.

Anything.

*

Private Investigator D’Jason Orleans sighed. He was having no luck finding Sung Kong’s long-form birth certificate. It was as if she never existed. He batted at a piece of string for a bit trying to figure out his next move.

Just then, he had a brilliant idea. He opened up his Apple Powerbook G4, admired the high-DPI of the screen, popped his Apple EarPods into his ears, opened Apple Music to put on U2’s Songs of Innocence, checked in with his friends on Apple iTunes Bing, logged into his Apple MobileME account, checked in with Apple Game Center, and finally opened up Apple Safari and navigated to Google. He used his Apple Mighty Mouse to click on the search box. He stopped to admire his Apple Magic Keyboard before using his Apple Magic Keyboard to type in: “SUNG KONG LONG-FORM BIRTH CERTIFICATE”.

He couldn’t believe what he found!

*

Just outside of court, Octavian Charles sat down with the District Attorney, William Chase. He was white as butter.

“Listen, Octavian, we’re good friends,” began William, “We were even college roommates.”

“Yes,” responded Octavian, “This I know.”

“Hell, I was the best man at your wedding. You’re my daughter’s god-father.”

“True. What are you trying to say?”

“I’m trying to offer you a plea,” continued William, “Because you know if the jury comes back with a guilty verdict, Overstreet is going to give you the death penalty. Treason is a serious offence.”

“The death penalty is illegal in Massachusetts,” Octavian responded matter-of-factly.

“Not if the judge does it with his bare hands,” William yawped, “It’s a loophole. Check Section 33(b) of the state constitution.

“Darn it, you’re right. So what are you offering?”

“You plead guilty to one count of racketeering. It’s a felony, but you won’t do any jail time. You also agree to do one hour of community service. After the community service is complete it will be expunged from your record.”

“Community service?!” Octavian spit on the ground, “I wouldn’t degrade myself like that.”

“It’s just one hour! This is your chance to walk away clean.”

“It’s a felony, Bill. You’re not allowed to serve on the Supreme Court with a felony, even if it is expunged.”

“I don’t even think that’s true. Did you do any research?”

“I don’t have time to do research,” yelled Octavian, “I’m on trial for my life!”

“Well,” William sighed, “Are you taking the plea or not?”

“Take this Bill!” screamed Octavian has he flipped William the double bird.

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