We Are Very Sorry: A Full List of Retractions

A few months ago I told the Freefootballscholarships readership that we have never made a mistake. My heart and my best intentions still tell me that’s true, but the facts and the evidence tell me that it is not.

As such, we have combed over every article ever published on freefootballscholarships, from our first article published on December 23, 1999 to the modern day. We have laboriously looked for errors so that we can correct them. After all, Freefootballscholarships is the last bastion of ethical journalism in this crazy world. We want to make good on our commitment to you and we’re starting today. Below is every error we have ever made, corrected for posterity.

  1. In our article ‘Who Shot JFK: An Expose’ we erroneously claimed that JFK was never shot and had in fact served out the rest of his term before retiring to do surprisingly good abstract portraits of other world leaders. We further reported that JFK was alive and living on his ranch in Texas. This does not appear to be the case. John F. Kennedy is dead.
  2. In our article ‘The World Today Part 6: The Rise and Further Rise of Ted Cruz’ we claimed that Ted Cruz is a “good person”, a “hard-working patriot”, and “someone devoted to making the lives of the American people better”. All of those are false. He is a horrifying, evil man.
  3. In our article ‘Is There A Secret Nazi Death Camp Inside the Washington Monument?’ we claimed that there was a secret nazi death camp inside the Washington Monument. This does not appear to be the case.
  4. In our article ‘How To Make the Perfect Chocolate Souffle’ we claimed that if you make the perfect souffle she will love you again. She will never love you again.
  5. In our article ‘The World Today’ we falsely claimed that the September 11th attacks happened in Chicago, Illinois. Additionally, we also claimed that Michael Bloomberg was Governor of Illinois and later went on to be impeached for tear gassing rebels in the Syrian Civil War. None of this is true.
  6. In our article ‘What Physicists Aren’t Telling You’ we made the claim that force is equivalent to mass multiplied by the rate of acceleration. This, too, is incorrect. Force, like God, is immeasurable.
  7. In our article ‘Stacey Dash: The Famous CONSERVATIVE Hollywood Superstar That Liberals Don’t Want You To Love” we erroneously claimed that Stacey Dash was both famous and an actress. Actresses are people paid to act while Stacey Dash would be better described as a volunteer.
  8. In our article ‘How Bernie Sanders Secretly Won The Nomination and Therefore the Presidency’ we made the patently false claim that Bernie Sanders had defeated Hilary Clinton to become the Democratic Nominee for President. This literally could not be farther from the truth.
  9. In our article ‘Should Children Under Four Be Required to Vape?’ we made the unsubstantiated claim that “not vaping causes autism”. It seems that we confused not vaping with vaccines. We apologize for the confusion.
  10. In our article ‘Tom Mulcair Has Donkey Brains‘ we frequently referred to “Donky-Brained Tom Mulcair”. We regret doing so. This nickname erroneously implies that there is anything at all inside that skull of his. We will correct this error for future readers.
  11. In many articles we have referred to Ronald Reagan as a “Great President” or a “Good Man”. These statements have no basis in fact.

One thought on “We Are Very Sorry: A Full List of Retractions

  1. I love your stuff and vinegar. I can’t wait for you to write more. Oh, and as a fellow conspiracy buff, I believe the truth about the Washington Monument is that it is not Nazis, but German-speaking kobolds that run the death camps. This could however simply be based on knocking noises coming from the plumbing.

    Liked by 1 person

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