To recap: Vice President Overstreet bribed the Judge to dismiss Octavian’s lawsuit against Ron Howard. This means that Octavian doesn’t have the big win to get him appointed to the Supreme Court, meaning that his ex-wife Dana Gardner gets the appointment. Meanwhile, Regan Josh has been plotting to merge him and Octavian’s firm with a rival firm led by the evil Bill Will and oust Octavian in the process. Also, Regan Josh has been having an affair with his younger male subordinate, Junior Associate Danny Proust.
Danny Proust walked into court and realized that he had no idea what his client was accused of. Last night, he’d gotten really crunk and stayed up late trying to score chicks on the internet, all the while forgetting to prep for the case.
If only he knew what the case was about.
A woman was on the witness stand, Danny could only guess that that was his client. Danny put down the red solo cup he used to discreetly drink alcohol during the trial and approached the stand.
“Hey, girl,” Danny muttered slyly, “So what’s the deal?”
“It’s Miss Jackson,” growled Danny’s client, Eurydice Jackson, “Are you serious right now?”
“I’m sorry Miss Jackson,” muttered Danny, “I am for real. I apologize a trillion times.”
Eurydice Jackson flared her nostrils.
Octavian Charles couldn’t believe it. Vice President Overstreet had bribed the judge to dismiss the case. Why didn’t he see it coming! He knew his nemesis, Overstreet had been gunning for him but he fell straight into his trap, like an avocado into a big blender.
“Well,” muttered Octavian to himself, “Win some, lose some.”
It was at that moment that he saw Regan Charles and Bill Will step out of the sauna together. He realized that he had more to lose than just the case.
“They’re going to steal the firm!” screamed Octavian in the middle of an otherwise empty hallway.
“Miss Jackson, are you guilty of whatever it is that you did?” Danny asked pointedly, pointing to his client, Eurydice Jackson.
“If Cannibalism is a crime, then yes, yes I am,” answered Eurydice helpfully.
Danny was dumbfounded. He turned to his client and screamed, “Yes, yes it is.”
There was a long silence in the courtroom.
“Did you really not know that?” whispered Danny.
Eurydice didn’t answer but instead shrugged nonchalantly and whispered, “I ate them real good. Reaaaaal good.”
“The defence so rests!” yelled Danny.
Bill Will and Regan Josh sat maniacally in the dank sauna as they evilly rubbed each other’s backs and cackled, “Soon the merger will be complete and we will have finally defeated Octavian Charles!”
“Are you sure we have the votes?” asked Regan.
“Of course we do. Even if Ophelia votes against us, by the time of the merger Gardner will have left for the Supreme Court. We have a healthy lead. If he somehow convinced Gardner to stay for a little bit, unilaterally made new partner, and got Ophelia’s vote, then he’d still be one short. Even if he somehow teleconferenced in suspended Partner Gustavo Solaveva from prison and got him to vote on his behalf then it’d still be a tie! And in the event of a tie, Octavian’s gone.”
“That is how the rules work.”
“See? We have nothing to worry about. No lawyer is that good.”
Octavian pulled his iPhone 6C out of his pocket and called his ex-wife, Dana Gardner.
“What do you want? You know my Supreme Court appointment hearing is in an hour!” yawped Dana.
“I need you,” begged Octavian.
“Stop. Bryan makes me happy. You never did. Mantis makes me happy. And his turtle, Rupert, is the best turtle ever.”
“This isn’t about us, Dana, not anymore. It’s about something more important.”
Dana was shocked. Octavian was a textbook narcissist and there was nothing more important to him than him.
“What could be more important than that?”
Dana gasped and composed herself, “If I do what you want, you have to promise me one thing.
“That this is the last time you ever call. You have to move on with your life. Sung, Ophelia, Angela Merkel, whatever. We’re done and we’ll never happen again. You have to choose between your weird pathetic quest to win me back and your firm. Do you understand?”
Danny slunk his head. He couldn’t believe he’d gotten another client the death penalty. This was the tenth in a row! Even the nice old lady that wanted him to look over her mortgage had ended up going to the chair.
Danny sighed and whispered to himself, “I’m a terrible lawyer.”
“Yes, yes you are,” screeched Octavian Charles as he appeared suddenly in the doorway, “But a very sexy one.”
Danny was taken aback. He knew for a fact that Octavian wasn’t gay. It was plastered all over the walls of the firm. He stammered and asked, “What do you want, boss?”
“My firm,” laughed Octavian as he looked out the window. He turned back to Danny and continued, “I’ve been aware of your affair with Regan Josh for quite some time.”
Danny was scared. He was about to be fired and he knew it. He mustered all of his strength and screamed, “What do you want?”
“It’s not what I want,” he whispered to the scared Danny, “It’s what you want.”
“What do you mean?”
“Well Danny, have you ever wanted to make partner?”
Bill Will saw a little girl eating ice cream by the side of the street. He asked his driver to pull over. He jumped out of the car.
“Hey girl,” screamed Bill.
“Yes mister?” the girl asked innocently.
“Fuck you,” Bill screamed as he grabbed the cone and threw it in a storm drain.
Octavian Charles walked into Gustavo Solaveva’s prison cell and sat beside him.
“I need a lawyer,” whispered Gustavo.
“And I need a vote,” bellowed Octavian.
“I knew you’d come,” Ophelia Powers slid across her ivory desk to stand in front of Octavian, “You need votes.”
“Yes,” whispered Octavian.
“You know,” began Ophelia as she picked up an avocado and threw it out the window, “I’d never thought we’d work together again. I thought this was it for us. But things just push us back together.”
“So do I have your vote or not?”
“I don’t know, what are you going to do for me?”
“What do you want?”
Ophelia laughed, “I want Bill gone.”
“I want Regan’s office and all of his clients once you force him out the door.”
“And lastly,” Ophelia smiled mischievously as she put up a single finger to Octavian’s lips,
“I want you.”
The two embraced as Octavian’s girlfriend Sung Kong, who was hiding under the desk, watched on in terror. She snapped a couple pics with her polaroid camera. That’ll be important later.
“Who will?” Danny asked inquisitively.
“Bill will.” the partner responded affirmatively.
“No, Bill won’t.”
“But Bill Will!”
“Bill Will will?”
“No,” sighed Danny, “Bill Will won’t.”
“I thought Bill did.”
“No, Bill won’t.
That solves that.
The partners assembled for their meeting. The three remaining partners of the merging firms (Octavian, Regan, and Bill) sat at the head of the table.
“And now,” glowered Bill, “It’s time to get rid of the cancer destroying our firms. It’s time to remove Octavian Charles.”
Many partners began to clap while others booed.
“Not so fast,” laughed Octavian as he slapped down the votes of Dana Gardner, Ophelia Powers, and Gustavo Solaveva, “I’m afraid you’re the one who’s fired, Bill. Also, meet our newest partner,” bellowed Octavian as he pointed to the door.
Danny Proust walked into the room and whispered, “I’m voting for Octavian.”
Regan gasped. Betrayal!
“And that’s not all,” continued Octavian, “Danny is alleging that during his time as an associate the two of you, Regan and Danny, engaged in an inappropriate and prohibited sexual relationship. I discussed it over with the other partners and, in the interest of warding off a large sexual harassment lawsuit, they have unilaterally voted to indefinitely suspend you, Regan Josh, from the firm pending an official investigation.”
Regan gasped and turned to Danny, “I loved you and you betray me like this?”
“Long hair, don’t care,” yawped Danny. Regan burst into tears and ran out of the room. He knew that with Danny’s betrayal and his suspension that he would lose control of the firm.
“I guess that means I have the votes,” laughed Octavian, “Merger approved. Until such time as Regan Josh is reinstated, the firm will operate under the name Octavian Charles and Associates.”
“Oh, one more thing,” finished Octavian as he turned to the fuming Bill Will, “You’re fired!”
Bill Will was shocked. All of his blackmail material suddenly burst into flames.
The room broke out into applause. Several of the partners began to do cartwheels. Life couldn’t get any better than this.
Just then, a cascade of government agents burst into the room. One of them tackled Octavian and screamed, “You’re under arrest!”
“For what?” asked Octavian incredulously.
The agent spit and bellowed, “For treason!”