‘Briefs’, Part 5

To recap: Superstar Lawyer Octavian Charles is suing filmmaker Ron Howard for being a fucking asshole. His ex-wife, Dana Gardner, is being considered alongside Charles for a spot on the American Supreme Court. Only one of the two can fill the vacancy, which the Democratic Administraton are using to manipulate Charles in order to control the Howard case. Meanwhile, Josh Charles LLP named Partner Regan Josh has entered into a romantic relationship with his subordinate, Danny Proust.

“What do you mean you want Ron Howard?!” screamed Octavian at Vice President Daniel Rydell Overstreet and DNC Chairman Dylan McDermott

“We need you to throw the case. Ron Howard has done some excellent work for us in the past.”

“What do you mean… ‘work’?” asked Octavian suspiciously, “Does this have anything to do with Ron Howard bowing out of the election on Election Eve so President Von Puter would be able to run unopposed?”

Overstreet laughed, “Ron Howard has seen this lawsuit coming for a long time. You can’t go around being such a fucking asshole for so long without ever facing repercussions. He wanted to be protected.”

“You monster! You’re protecting Ron Howard!”

“Politics is a dirty game, Charles. Sometimes you have to get your feet wet. Sometimes you have to dance with the devil, even if the devil directed A Beautiful Mind. But this isn’t the real life Ron Howard, this is a work of fiction, and should not be confused with real life.”

Octavian gritted his teeth, “And I have your word that if Howard goes free I get the Supreme Court?”

“Of course,” screeched Overstreet surreptitiously, “You have my word.”

Octavian dramatically stood up and, with great moral qualms, shook the hand of his nemesis, Vice President Overstreet. “Fine,” Octavian whispered, “I’ll do it.”

At this, Octavian teared up and sprinted out of the room. Vice President Overstreet began to gently chortle.

“Do you think he bought it?” asked McDermott.

“Of Course,” laughed Vice President Overstreet, “He’s going to tank the case and lose his chance at the Supreme Court forever!”

“Dan,” whispered McDermott, “I have a question.”


“You’re Vice President. Why not just block his nomination? Why the scheming?”

“Shut up bro.”


Octavian met his sometime girlfriend Sung Kong at her hotel room in the middle of the night.

“I’ve missed you, Sung,” yawped Octavian.

“Not as much as I’ve missed you, big boy,” screeched Sung as she readied the recording device she secretly used to record their conversations.

The two embraced.

Afterwords, while Sung was in the shower, Octavian saw a glimpse of paper sticking out of her purse. He pulled it out and looked it over. He gasped. It was Sung’s birth certificate, but something was wrong. It was a certificate of live birth rather than the long-form document.

My god, where’s the long-form birth certificate? thought Octavian, What is Sung hiding?


“Now, Dr. Carlo,” continued Ophelia Powers, back at the trial of Ron Howard, “You’ve taken some time to examine the defendant?”

“Yes,” responded Monte Carlo affirmatively.

“And what’s your verdict?” asked Ophelia plainly.

“He’s a fucking asshole,” screamed Monte, “Lock him up and throw away the key!”

“Now that’s all well and good,” continued Ophelia, “But has he committed any crimes? Has he indicated to you that he plans to commit any crimes? Is there any reason to believe that Mr. Howard might be a danger to himself or others?”

“Well, no, but he-“

“That’ll be all, Dr. Carlo,” said Ophelia, turning to the judge, “The Defense rests, your honor.”

Octavian jumped out of his seat and began to question the expert witness, “Dr. Carlo, beautiful name by the way, you had lunch with the defendant, correct? By the way, are you free for dinner?”

“Thank you,” whispered Monte, flashing Octavian a smile, before continuing, “Yes, I had lunch with the defendant. And yes, I’ll meet you at Cafe Nervosa at 8 O’Clock.”

“Perfect. Please describe the lunch you had with Mr. Howard.”

“We were supposed to meet at noon. Ron Howard showed up at 12:45 revving a 2007 Ford Mustang. He was wearing a yellow singlet. I ordered the salad and he ordered two pounds of buffalo chicken wings. He proceeded to get aggressively intoxicated and alternate between uncomfortable, unwelcome sexual innuendo and lectures about the dangers of Syrian refugees. When the time came to split the bill he tried to get me to pay for his drinks. He tried to pick-up the waitress, both literally and figuratively. He didn’t leave a tip. On the way out of the restaurant he swore at a baby.”

Octavian had a perfect follow-up question ready to go but remembered with a pang that he had promised to throw the case. He gritted his teeth and whimpered, “No further questions.”


Regan Josh sultrily turned to Junior Associate Danny Proust and crooned, “Boxers?”

“No,” replied Danny sexily, “Briefs.”


Octavian Charles called Private Investigator D’Jason Orleans into his office and screamed, “I need you to investigate the mysterious Sung Kong!”

D’Jason intoned wisely, “Without trust, there can be no love.”

“That’s great,” continued Charles, “But I need you to follow her.”

“And without love, you cannot find solace in the lord.”

Octavian sighed deeply and faked a phone call.


Regan Josh burst into the office of evil professional rival Bill Will and screamed, “So I assume you’ve heard the news.”

“Of course,” laughed Bill, “Seems like your boy Charles is choking the case.”

“And when Charles loses they’re going to appoint your partner, Gardner, to the supreme court.”

“Why do I need all this exposition?”

“What you need,” screeched Regan, “Is a partner. Your firm is going to fall into disarray with the loss Dana Gardner.”

“And you want to join Will Gardner?” asked Bill.

“Of course not. I want to merge!”

“But why would you want that? Will, Charles, & Josh? You two would outvote me on every issue.”

Regan laughed, “No Charles. Will Josh LLP. With your partners merged into the firm I’d finally have the votes to kick Charles to the curb. I hate that guy. And together, we’d be the biggest firm in New York!”

“You’ve got yourself a deal!” screeched Bill Will, “But first, a toast!”

“To what?”

“To the downfall of Octavian Charles!”

The two men also broke down into maniacal laughter. This continued as they picked up a manilla folder filled with pictures of Octavian and began to tear them apart.

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