Tort Reform and You

Every year, millions of hard-working folks around the United States of America call in asking about Tort Reform and how it will effect their day-to-day lives. The volume of calls and letters has been so much that I’ve been afraid to tackle the issue head-on. You see, Tort Reform is arguably the most important issue facing the lives of North Americans today. Millions of hard-working Americans will have their lives irrevocably changed by Tort Reform, and they need to be prepared. But first, a history:

What Is Tort Reform?
Invented in 1956 by inventor Jonathan Tort in Poughkeepsie, Missouri, Tort Reform is a complex process of interdynamic pluralities. These pluralities transpose and redact the photosphere of the multitude facing Americans today. It is estimated that since Tort Reform was invented millions of Americans have died.

Do We Need Tort Reform?
After the tragic events of September 11, 2001, the American public realized that they needed to oppose Tort Reform.

How Does Tort Reform Effect Me?
Look outside your bedroom window. You see two children playing battleship. Imagine the fun they must be having, young and innocent with the entire world ahead of them. The corrosive effects of the inherently compromising nature of everyday life has left them untouched. A bird flies overhead and then shoots off into the distance, above the mountains. You look up at the mountains and see the snow covered peaks. Slowly, you feel a growing tremble off in the distance.
That’s how Tort Reform effects you.

How Can I Protect My Family From Tort Reform?
Now, the big suits up in Washington will tell you that this is impossible. That Tort Reform, like Entropy, will consume us and ensure the heat death of the universe. This is what ‘The Man’ wants you to think. Truth be told, there’s only one way to fight Tort Reform and that’s with Ted Cruz. Ted Cruz is the only candidate opposed to both racial integration and Tort Reform. If elected President, Ted Cruz will fight tooth in nail to protect you and your children. If anyone else is elected your children will die.

What Does President Obama Think of Tort Reform?
Ever since the dawn of time, President Obama has taken the wrong side of every issue. From Basketball to Libya, you can be sure President Obama will take whatever stance that hurts hard-working Americans. Tort Reform is no different; President Obama has a storied history of using Tort Reform (and a bat) to systematically oppose the freedom of hard-working Christians.

2 thoughts on “Tort Reform and You

  1. I appreciate the satire. But as a Canadian I don’t want to read a Canadian writer, however clever, writing about America as if it’s home. It’s not. I say write about what’s funny here. There’s a fair amount of material.Eh?

    Like

    • Not that I speak for all Americans or anything, but we kind of do this thing where we shove our entire culture on the rest of the world without asking. Sometimes it’s nice to receive feedback.

      Like

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