David Schwimmer: America’s Next President?

Now, I assume all of you are sitting glued to your AM radios waiting for the results from New Hampshire. It’s starting to look like the advance polls were roughly correct, with Sanders winning for the Dems and Trump taking it home for the GOP.

That’s fine.

We’ll probably be hearing for a couple weeks or so about how this win legitimizes the Sanders campaign. That’s cute. I kind of appreciate this whole sideshow theater the Democrats have engineered: Clinton used whatever magic she had left to keep the legitimate candidates (Julian Castro, Diamond ‘Joe’ Biden, Elizabeth Warren, etc.) out of the race and in doing so allowed this fringe candidate (Sanders) to lap-up the anti-establishment vote. Good for him. Sanders has been a public servant for a long time and he certainly deserves his day in the sun. Don’t we all? Plus, he makes this seem like a contest instead of a coronation—after all, it’s got to at least look like Clinton worked for it.

The one thing that no one was really counting on, however, is the sudden and shocking coalition between social conservatives (Republicans) and economic liberals (Sanders supporters) on the Clinton issue. Suddenly, we’re seeing really aggressive attacks coming from the left on Clinton, exhuming dead issues like her emails and speaking fees in a silly attempt to garner support for Sanders. What was once ‘ridiculous partisan attacks from right-wing crazies’ is now suddenly ‘due diligence’. The only reason they haven’t gotten around to Benghazi yet is because most Sanders supporters are still in their first year of Liberal Arts and that happened in 2012, around the time that it was revealed that Dan was Gossip Girl the entire time.

But the left-left and everything right of center is a pretty formidable social block. Probably not enough to stop Clinton from getting the nomination, but if, every time you log into the internet or try and go grab a cup of coffee, you have people screaming at you about ‘shrew-ish, war-hawk, corrupt, Clinton’ you’re going to start thinking they might have a point. Politically, people aren’t anywhere near as attached to their beliefs or convictions as they’d like to think. People like me or Karl Rove manufacture a sort of narrative (‘Clinton is the inevitable candidate!’/’Clinton committed treason!’) and then pay some cool or important people to say it. The cool people get people talking about it, usually framing the issue in a divisive sort of light (‘illegal Immigrants are taking OUR jobs!’) and then other folks agree. Some people hate those folks and say so, providing the narrative with free publicity. Eventually, so many people discuss the narrative that it becomes a fact, whether it’s true or not. This is why people think Ronald Reagan was a good person, Jimmy Carter was a bad president, Benghazi was treason, and that George W. Bush wasn’t ten times as smart as you or me.

So, if Sanders supporters, in collusion with the social right, succeed in raising all this nonsense about Clinton to the level of ‘fact’, we’re going to have a rather interesting situation on our hands. If everyone thinks Clinton is evil, then they’re unlikely to vote for her. If they’re unlikely to vote for her, then she probably doesn’t scrape through the primaries. This makes Sanders the candidate, which makes Marco Rubio, Ted Cruz, or Donald Trump the president.

That is, unless a third-party throws his hat into the ring. It couldn’t be just anyone, though. It’d have to be someone with deep, bipartisan support. Someone who is able to mobilize support and set up a formidable ground-game in an incredibly short period of time. Someone who can drum up enough support to get their name on every ballot, from Texas to Washington, DC. Someone who is there for you, when the rain starts to pour. Someone who’s there for you, like he’s been there before. Someone who’s there for you, because you’re there for him too.

That’s right, I’m talking about American film and television actor, David Schwimmer. Ever since he played the role of ‘Duty Officer’ in 1992’s Flight of the Intruder, analysts have been predicting a Schwimmer run at the white house. It’s predicted that based off of his role as ‘Evil Waiter’ in 1993 short film The Waiter, Schwimmer would appeal to Democrats and Republicans alike. After all, Republicans loved him as ‘Patient’ in Police Squad! and Democrats adored his turn as Director in 2004 TV movie Nevermind Nirvana.

It’s beginning to look like the Republicans are serious about nominating Trump while Sanders has a legitimate chance at the Democratic nomination. Both candidates have poor favorability ratings with the other’s party, meaning that there’s no bipartisan appeal with either candidate. You know what has great favorability ratings? Schwimmer’s role as ‘Cop’ in the movie Wolf. A movie so famous that some people have seen it.

As such, there’s really only one option this November. If the tide turns against Hilary, there’s only one thing to do: put on your trunks and go for a schwim.

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