How To Think Like An Asshole

A lot of people visit ffs looking for advice on how to be a worse person. Now, as an excellent, charitable pillar of the community I admit that this is an area I struggle in. However, in preparing to Score a Perfect 180 on the LSAT, I came across a new tool to use to further that goal. I call it ‘Logical Thinking’ and if you apply it dutifully in every single situation soon you will no longer have to worry about friends or family. It’s simply the greatest, easiest way to be unpleasant and, if properly applied, will send folks running away from you in droves.

Let’s begin with an example of someone acting normally (without using my trademarked Logical Thinking):

Justin: As long as I’ve got my suit and my tie, I can leave it all on the floor tonight. Can I show you a few things?

Regular response: Oh god, I get to dance with Justin!

See, that’s a normal response. However, unfortunately, it doesn’t make you an asshole. Now, let’s use logical thinking to generate a new response.

Justin: As long as I’ve got my suit and my tie, I can leave it all on the floor tonight. Can I show you a few things?

Response: You’re a fucking liar.

See the difference? It’s minor, but the second respondent logically broke down Justin’s statement. Let’s take a closer look:

  1. Justin needs his suit AND his tie or he is unable to leave it all on the floor tonight.
  2. It is unclear whether Justin has his suit or his tie.
  3. Even if he does, nowhere does he say that the conditions necessary to cause the phenomenon (leaving it all on the floor tonight) will always trigger said phenomenon. Simply put, Justin can have his suit and tie and NOT leave it all on the floor tonight.
  4. If Justin were to ALWAYS leave it all on the floor tonight when he had his suit and his tie, then Justin would indicate that said phenomenon was the case.
  5. Therefore, we can reasonably assume that there is at least one instance in which Justin had his suit and his tie but did NOT leave it all on the floor that night.
  6. However, Justin invites the expectation that if he has his suit and if he has his tie then he will always leave it all on the floor tonight.
  7. This is not the case, meaning that Justin is being, to some degree, dishonest.
  8. Therefore, one could, with relative impunity, call Justin a “fucking liar”.

Let’s try another example:

Enrique: I can be your hero baby, I can kiss away the pain, You can take my breath away.

Normal response: Thanks Enrique.

Logical response: I see no reason to proceed forward in this conversation.

This is because Enrique’s declarations of love and support rest on conditional statements (“I can”) and imply a condition needs to be met for said statement to be true. It’s unclear from what Enrique has provided that it’s likely he will be your hero, that he wants to be your hero, or that the unknown conditions triggering him being your hero have, in fact, been met. Therefore, since we can’t logically deduce much of anything from Enrique’s statements, we can’t assume with any sort of accuracy that he will be our hero, kiss away the pain, or that we will take his breath away. Furthermore, it’s unclear how the statements are related—it’s certainly possible that we can take Enrique’s breath away without having a hero kiss away our pain. If that were the case, it’s unclear what advantage at all we incur by entering into any sort of agreement with Enrique. Therefore, the logical step is to suspend negotiations until a more tangible deal is offered.

As such, we’ve observed how Logical Thinking can shape the way you interact with people. Your partner asks you to help around the house? Inform him or her that such a course of action does not yield tangible benefits. Your child wants you to attend their recital? Inform the child that taking time off creates a corresponding decline in profitability and, with no incentive to offset that decline, you’ll be unable to attend. A dying relative begs you to visit them one last time? Refer them to the child, because you’ve already answered that question.

One thought on “How To Think Like An Asshole

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