Part 7 of My Soap Opera

Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6. To recap: Miles Van Der  Miles is still plotting to kill his brother Sebastien, who is still running for president. Sebastien is engaged to Kendra Von Puter, who is having an affair with Miles. Kendra has solicited Miles to assassinate Sebastien and the new butler, Manuel, to assassinate Miles. Meanwhile, Detective Bryan Mantis and The King of Europe investigated the death of Stacy Puterpott and concluded it was the work of a serial killer. 

Miles Van Der Miles smiled to himself. His plan was perfect. He was waiting in the atrium of the Van Der Miles estate. He’d hired his best friend, Nolan Tracktenberg III, to walk up to Sebastien and ask if he was, in fact, Sebastien Van Der Miles. When Nolan received a positive identification, Miles would swoop in for the kill.

“My plan is perfect,” Miles muttered to himself, “So perfect it just might work.”

Miles looked down menacingly at the butter knife he had procured to kill Sebastien and laughed maniacally.

All of a sudden, Sebastien and his bleached blonde hair wandered into the room. Nolan sprinted up to him and screamed, “Are you Sebastien Van Der Miles?”

“Uh, yeah,” muttered Sebastien.

Nolan turned to Miles and gave him a comically large thumbs up and also sprinted out of the room.

“Hello, brother!” Miles whispered as he walked up to Sebastien with his butcher knife.

Fortunately, Sebastien Van Der Miles was a presidential candidate and thus entitled to a secret service detail. The secret service agent waiting in the rafters shot Miles through both of the kneecaps and he slumped to the ground and, for Miles, everything went black.


“You see now, Kendra,” Dr. Carlo lectured, “Why you shouldn’t conspire against people? There’s no need for this violence!”

“Whatever, I’m over it.”


McDermott strode menacingly into Manuel’s office and screamed, “Listen, Butler!”

“I’m listening,” whispered Manuel helpfully.

“Someone is going to come or has come already. They will ask you for a favour. We need you to say yes,” explained McDermott.

“We?” asked Manuel inquisitively.

“The Democratic Party. If you do this, Manuel, we’ll be in your debt. Do you-“

“I know what you mean,” grimaced Manuel.

“So Manuel, we need you to say yes.”

“Maybe I already have,” whispered Manuel to himself, thinking back to Kendra’s request that he kill Miles Van Der Miles.


“A serial killer!” screamed the King of Europe again, back at Stacy’s apartment.

“You mean, like Captain Crunch?” asked Bryan.


Nolan Tracktenberg III was playing hopscotch when Kendra Von Puter walked in and asked him, “What is five plus seven?”

“Why Kendra,” began Nolan helpfully, “It’s twelve!”

“Thank you!” responded Kendra.

Just then, Nolan tripped over a puddle and fell into Kendra’s arms and the two accidentally kissed just as Sebastien Van Der Miles, Kendra’s fiancée, walked in.

“What the hell is this?!” screamed Sebastien.

“No! Sebastien! It’s not what it looks like!” screamed Nolan and Kendra together.

“I think it’s exactly what it looks like,” vociferated Sebastien, “Pack your things Kendra, we’re done.”

“You don’t understand!” screamed Nolan.

“How could you?” whispered Sebastien to Nolan as he (Sebastien) sprinted out of the room.

“You don’t understand,” whispered Nolan now to no one, “That she’s my sister.”


Miles Van Der Miles woke up chained to a chair. His legs were in excruciating pain and his eyes were taped open. His chair was facing a screen. Images of someone very close to Miles would flash on the screen followed by horrifying religious iconography—like Jesus covered in snakes.

“What’s happening to me?” screamed Miles.

Suddenly, a masked man that looked eerily like the masked man or woman from Part 1 walked slowly into view. He was carrying a javelin.

“Why Miles,” the masked man murmured, “Can’t you see?”

Just then the screen flashed to a picture of Jesus covered in a ton of snakes. Like, a crazy amount of snakes.

The masked man laughed maniacally and screeched, “You’re being brainwashed!”


“Hey Manuel!” yelled Nolan Tracktenburg III, “Can I borrow your DVD player?”

“Yes,” whispered Manuel as he eyed Nolan suspiciously.


McDermott and Sebastien looked over the latest polling data for Sebastien’s presidential campaigned and squeed in glee.

“This is very good news!” screamed McDermott, “You’re ahead of John Boehner in all of the polls. Right now you’re projected to take 506 votes in the Electoral College. You’re only trailing in hard-core Republican states like New York and Delaware and with Election eve next week’s debate we should be able to change that.”

“A lot can change in a week,” whispered Sebastien as he looked outside in the rain.

“There’s only one thing,” began McDermott, “Kendra.”

“What about her?” growled Sebastien.

“We ran the numbers and everyone who’s willing to vote for you will vote for Boehner instead if you two break up. People don’t seem to like you at all, but they love her. She’s like Fonzie.”

“I love Fonzie.”

“Exactly. She’s the Fonzie to your Ron Howard. Everyone fucking hates Ron Howard.”

At this McDermott held up a picture of Ron Howard and tore it in half. He then spit on the torn picture. Sebastien unconsciously began to applaud at the sight of Ron Howard’s destruction.

“I hate Ron Howard,” whispered Manuel who was spying on the conversation through the false eyeholes of the eagle bust in the center of the room.

“Anyway,” continued McDermott, “You can’t leave Kendra or we-“

At this point McDermott picked up a picture of the Democratic Party.

“Or we will leave you.”

A single tear rolled down Sebastien’s cheek and he whispered, “Fine.”


“Kendra, baby,” whispered Sebastien casually as he burst through the window to Kendra’s third floor room, “You know I was only joking with the breakup stuff this morning?”

Kendra laughed and slapped Sebastien in the face.

“Oh sweet, stupid Sebastien,” began Kendra, “I know you don’t love me—don’t pretend—and I don’t love you either. This is a marriage of convenience for political gain. Like Ron and Cheryl Howard. You use me.”

“Fine,” Sebastien vociferated, spitting on the floor, “I use you.”

“And if you use me, I need to get something in return.”

“What do you want Kendra?”

Kendra laughed maniacally, “You’ll get your eight years in office. But then you help me. In 2001 I’m going to run for Senator in New York and you’ll be right there beside me, wearing tight suits and kissing babies. After that and a failed presidential campaign in 2008, I’m going to run again in 2016 and you’re going to have to do it all over again.”

Sebastien gritted his teeth and gurgled, “Fine.”

“Don’t forget,” Kendra screeched, laughing maniacally, “I own you.”


Miles Van Der Miles woke with a start in a hospital bed. Everything looked unfamiliar. Sitting beside him was his brother, Sebastien. Sebastien was dabbing Miles’ head with a moist cloth and cooing gently, just like their mother used to.

“Oh good, you’re awake,” muttered Sebastien sarcastically.

“Who are you?” asked Miles surreptitiously.

Just then Dr. Carlo burst into Miles’ hospital room and grabbed Sebastien by the shoulder.

“I don’t want to alarm you, Sebastien, but I have some bad news,” whispered Dr. Carlo into Sebastien’s ear.

“Give it to me straight doc!”

“I’m afraid this patient…. This patient has amnesia!”

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