Part 6 of My Soap Opera

Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5. To recap: Detective Bryan Mantis fell in love with and proposed to Helga Matterhorn Van Der Miles, but she was murdered on their wedding day. Meanwhile, Miles Van Der Miles, Helga’s son, has been plotting to kill his brother, Sebastien, so he can be with Sebastien’s fiancee, Kendra Von Puter. Sebastien has yet to uncover the plot as he is preoccupied with running for President and his friendship with his new best friend, The Practice’s Dylan McDermott.

Myles Van Der Miles laughed maniacally and picked up his favorite knife and began to creep along the svelte, wooden floor of the Van Der Miles Manor. Much like a spooky ghost, he crept into his brother, Sebastien’s room with nary a sound.

He observed Sebastien lying in his embroidered plaid bed, vaguely comatose from a combination of sleeping pills, codeine, oxycodone, and prophylactics. He laughed maniacally and raised the knife and stabbed into the lying Sebastien again and again.

It wasn’t until the room entirely filled with feathers that Miles came to a startling revelation.

This Sebastien was a decoy.


“They’re onto us Kendra!” screamed Miles at Kendra Von Puter, Sebastien’s fiancée.

“Whatever do you mean?” begged Kendra.

“I was ready to finally end this—all of this—and I crept into Sebastien’s room and—“


“Someone had put a fake!”

Kendra screamed and dropped the priceless Egyptian vase she was holding, which thudded lightly and shattered.



Detective Bryan Mantis woke up from his bender and reached for more heroin, only to find out his stash had been emptied.

“More drugs,” groaned Bryan.

Bursting into the room, a crowned, visibly European gentleman screamed, “I’m afraid not, Mantis.”

“Urgh,” gurgled Bryan.

“As you know,” started the crowned European, “I am investigating the death of my son—Kreezy, the former butler. But I can’t make any headway with these people. They’re insane and vaguely incestuous and fucking everything is filled with snakes.”

“Fuck you,” gargled Bryan, “I ain’t helping. I ain’t anything no more. Helga, Amy, Dexter, everyone who loves me gets killed.”

The King of Europe began to laugh hysterically and threw a blackmail folder at the prostrate Detective, “I couldn’t care less about your personal issues. Look through the folder, I’m sure you’ll find it very, shall I say, persuasive.

Bryan picked up the folder. It was filled with pictures of The European from the Detective Novel.

“I don’t know if you know this Mantis,” menaced the King of Europe condescendingly, “But everyone who is not from America is related. The European was my other son; Kreezy’s butler. You killed him when you blew up the moon. Now unless you want me to take this evidence to the FBI, NSA, and CBC, I suggest you do exactly what I say.”

“Fine, you son of a bitch, fine.”


McDermott sighed and pointed to the blackboard and whispered, “It’s spelled supposedly.”

“Supposably!” screamed Sebastien.

“No, no, that’s not right.”


“What do you mean to accomplish with all of this?” asked Doctor Carlo, Kendra Von Puter’s psychiatrist.

“What do you mean?” asked Kendra inquisitively.

“I mean,” whispered Dr. Carlo, “You tell me you don’t love Sebastien. You tell me you don’t love Miles. You said you’re using Sebastien to get to Miles. But you already have Miles, so that doesn’t make sense. You want Miles to kill Sebastien so you and Miles can be together but you don’t want to be with Miles in the first place so why have Miles kill anyone? Furthermore, you’re not married to Sebastien, you can just leave him for Miles if you want to be with Miles. But you don’t! Furthermore, from what you showed me of Sebastien’s diary, he seems to be in love with some McDermott fellow, having an affair with your butler Manuel, and had been planning to leave you for some Stacy Puterpott girl, who’s now unambiguously dead. What’s your endgame here Kendra?”

Kendra laughed, “After I have Miles kill Sebastien I’m going to have Manuel kill Miles.”

“But why? Do you love Manuel? Do you want to be with Manuel?”

“Of course not, that’s disgusting.”

Dr. Carlo sighed deeply and buried her head in her hands.


Kendra Von Puter slithered into Manuel’s office and picked up the new Butler and whispered, “You’ve always been my number one!”

Manuel, shocked by this display of affection, immediately began to stutter and stammer, “But- but-.”

Kendra laughed and put a single finger on Manuel’s lips. The two began to embrace.

Afterwords, Kendra again slunk up to Manuel and whispered in his tiny left ear, “I need a favour.”


“So,” whispered Dr. Carlo who, quite coincidentally, was also Myles Van Der Miles’ psychiatrist, “You love Kendra?”

“No of course not,” scoffed Miles, “I’m just using her to get to Kreezy.”

“But Kreezy is dead,” reminded Dr. Carlo.

“But Kendra doesn’t know that! Don’t you see?”

Dr. Monte Carlo took off her non-prescription glasses and sighed, “If Kreezy is dead then you can’t get to him. He’s in heaven. With Jessica and Stephen.

“You underestimate Kendra,” laughed Miles, “Wherever he is, Kendra can get me there.”

“Miles,” began Dr. Carlo, “Do you understand death? Do you know what death is?”

Miles’ ears perked up in confusion, “What are you talking about? Of course I understand death. Someone kills you and then you respawn on the other side of the map with no armor.”

Dr. Carlo tried to begin a sentence but then sighed deeply once more and decided trying wasn’t even worth it.


Bryan Mantis and The King of Europe kicked in the door to Stacy Puterpott’s apartment and it was just what they expected. Everyone knew Stacy was dead, but no one had bothered to check how.

“Javelin through the back. Just like the others,” grimaced the King of Europe.

Bryan saw the javelin and began to openly weep. It was just like Helga.

“Same MO,” muttered the King of Europe as he flipped through the pocket book where he took his notes.

“You think it’s a copycat killer?” asked Bryan as tears rolled down his cheeks.

“No, partner,” whispered the King of Europe as recognized his new best friend was in distress and he put an arm on his shoulder, “I think this was the same. All of it is the same as the other murders. Javelin through the back, no sign of struggle.”

“But Powell was shot—“

“Shut up Bryan, it’s not the time.”

“Fine,” muttered Bryan as he shoved his amazing Apple EarPods back into his ears.

“I think we’re dealing with some sort of spree killer here,” muttered The King of Europe who, I guess, is also a detective now.

“Wait shut up are you saying what I think you’re saying?” murmured Bryan.

“Yes Bryan,” Began fellow Detective The King of Europe glumly, “We’re dealing with a serial killer!”

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