Part 5 of My Soap Opera

Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4. To recap: Sebastien Van Der Miles is running for President against Republican candidate John Boehner. His mother, Helga, has been arrested for the murder of her husband, Powell. Sebastien’s brother, Miles, is having an affair with Sebastien’s fiancee, Kendra, and Sebastien’s boyfriend Manuel and is also, along with Kendra, planning to kill Sebastien, who was having an affair with Stacy Puterpott and, of course, Manuel. Meanwhile, Lawyer Bryan Mantis has been trying to clear Helga, Sebastien’s mother, of all charges.

“YOU HAVE TO TAKE THE PLEA!” screamed Assistant District Attorney Arthur Blackwood at Helga Matterhorn Van Der Miles and her lawyer, Bryan Mantis.

“MY CLIENT ISN’T TAKING THE PLEA!” yawped Bryan Mantis back.

“I didn’t really authorize you to make that call, Bryan,” whispered Helga, “Are you even a real lawyer? Where’s your law degree? Where did you go to law school?”

“All good questions and compelling reasons you should take the plea!” murmured Arthur.

“Why do I even have to take a plea? Bozo over here plead guilty in court!” muttered Helga.

“That’s court Helga,” bellowed Arthur, “This is THE LAW!”

Helga sighed and opened the plea.

The plea was filled with snakes.


“So,” began Lead Nighttime Newscaster Hubert or Humphrey Chimpden Earwicker, “Why should the American people elect you, Sebastien Van Der Miles, as the next President of these United States?”

Don’t say the n-word, thought Sebastien.

Unfortunately, Sebastien couldn’t come up with any sort of answer and continued hemming and hawing until HCE again asked, “Mister Van Der Miles, please answer the question?”

Sebastien felt lost and scared, like a baby trapped in a snowbank, and was just about to say the first thing that came to mind when Dylan McDermott appeared from behind the thick velvet curtain and slammed his velvety hand over Sebastien’s mouth.

“What Mister Van Der Miles is trying to say,” McDermott started, “Is that Sebastien will promote American interests by engaging in strategic partnerships with developing countries, all the while keeping check on potentially volatile situations in Iran and Pakistan, while maintaining our strong friendship with our best friend, Israel.”

“The question was directed to the candidate,” HCE screamed.

At this, McDermott flipped the table and yelled, “This is a prime example of the right-wing Republican media making ad hominem attacks against Democrats! I won’t stand for this! The democratic party won’t stand for this!”

HCE went flush.

“This interview is over,” McDermott whispered as he dragged Sebastien off the stage.


“Please, just take the plea,” begged Arthur Blackwood.

“I’m not falling for that again.”

At this, the doors to the interrogation room burst open and the entire police force burst into the room and pinned Helga to the ground.

Finally, one of the officers bent down and whispered into Helga’s ear and intimated, “You’re under arrest for the murder of Kreezy, the Butler. You have the right to remain silent and you have the right to an attorney and if you can’t afford an attorney blah blah blah.”


“What happened to Stacy Puterpott?” asked Nolan Tracktenberg III to Miles Van Der Miles and Kendra Von Puter.

“Oh she dead,” the two screamed.


McDermott burst into the interrogation room and slapped a folder in front of Helga Matterhorn Van Der Miles.

“What’s this? Where’s my lawyer?” asked Helga.

“Bryan doesn’t need to see this,” whispered McDermott.

Helga sighed and opened the folder. It was empty.

“What do you want, McDermott?”

“You’ve been arrested for a second crime,” screamed McDermott, “And the Democratic Party need you to plead guilty to the murder of Kreezy, the bulter.”

Helga began laughing hysterically and asked, “Now why on earth would I do that? I didn’t even know the man!”

“Because if you do it, Helga,” murmured the mystically manly McDermott, “The democratic party will be in your debt.”

At this, McDermott leaned aggressively near to Helga and growled, “Do you know what I mean, Helga? That the democratic party will be in your debt?”


“Hello everybody!” screamed the new butler, Manuel, at everybody in the main hall of the second atrium of the Van Der Miles estate.

“Hello Manuel,” murmured everyone (Miles, Kendra, Sebastien, McDermott, Nolan Tracktenberg III) except Helga who was noticeably absent.

“I am here to announce the coming of the King of Europe!” screamed Manuel as he crouched and revealed a crowned man standing behind of him.

“Not a lot of you remember,” began the King of Europe, “But Kreezy, the butler, was my son.”

“Oh shit,” whispered Sebastien as he sort of remembered that from Part 2.

“I was mildly disappointed to hear that my son had died, and I’m here to launch an investigation into the murder, the murder most foul.”

“Indubitably,” whispered Manuel.


Bryan walked into the interrogation room of Helga Matterhorn Van Der Miles and stared awkwardly at his shoes before beginning, “Helga I-“

“Bryan, I know what you’re going to say,” Helga grimaced.

“And?” Bryan asked nakedly.

“And, Bryan Mantis, I love you too!”

Bryan fell to his knees and began to thank God for his luck.

“After Amy,” Bryan began, through tears, “I never thought I could find love again!”

“I was the same way after Kreezy,” whooped Helga.

“Helga Matterhorn Van Der Miles, will you marry me?” begged Bryan.

“You mean, Helga Matterhorn Van Der Miles Mantis,” Helga screamed as she slipped the ring on to her finger.


Sebastien Van Der Miles leaned forward dubiously and asked again, “So how does it work?”

McDermott sighed and repeated a fourth time, “Magnets.”



Bryan whistled a tune and straightened his bowtie.

I’m getting married to the greatest woman on Earth, thought Bryan cheerfully, This is the greatest day of my life.

He looked up to heaven and saw his deceased wife Amy and his baby boy Dexter, with whom Amy was pregnant, looking back at him. They were smiling and giving him a thumbs up, ready to watch him move on with the next chapter in his life.

With Helga, Bryan thought again as he pulled all of the drugs out of his body and washed them down the drain, I don’t need these anymore.

Everything was good. It was even Bryan’s birthday.

Bryan saw a bouquet of lilacs in the corner of the room and, even though you’re not supposed to see the bride on the wedding day, began to cheerfully walk towards Helga’s interrogation room.

Something was wrong.

The lights were flickering on and off and the door to the interrogation room and the door was ajar. Bryan dropped the carefully arranged lilacs and sprinted into the room and let out a scream of pure human anguish.

Lying in the middle of the room was Helga Matterhorn Van Der Miles Mantis. A signed guilty plea was on the table and a javelin was sticking out of her back. Blood was everywhere.

Helga lifted her head and with her very last breath whispered, “Bryan, I do.”

Bryan cradled her head and, for the first time in his life, he wept.

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