Part 4 of My Soap Opera

Part 1, Part 2, Part 3. To recap: Helga has been arrested for the murder of her husband, Powell. Miles and Kendra are conspiring to kill Kendra’s fiancee, Sebastien, who is Helga’s son and Miles’ brother, although there’s no blood relation. Sebastien has been tapped by the Democratic Party to replace Hilary Clinton as the Democratic Nominee for President. Meanwhile, Detective Bryan Mantis began to have doubts of Helga’s guilt and now seeks to prove her innocence. Also, Kendra, Sebastien’s fiancee and Miles lover, was outed as having affairs with Bryan, Nolan, Helga, Powell, and Kreezy, the butler.

Assistant District Attorney Arthur Blackwood ate with relish the inner organs of beasts and fowls. He relaxed and leaned back in his office in the abandoned asylum for the criminally insane where he had situated his practice and thought about ducks. Specifically, he thought of how much he loved them. He continued to relax in this fashion until the steel grate to his office burst open and in came through Detective Bryan Mantis, esquire.

“Bryan, my old friend,” murmured Arthur as he popped out his Apple EarPods.

Best friend,” Bryan corrected. In the time since the incident with the ghosts and all the murder the two had grown very close.

“How can I help you today?” Arthur asked sincerely.

“I have a case,” whispered Bryan, throwing his briefcase on the iron maiden in Arthur’s office, “It’s a woman, Helga Matterhorn Van Der Miles. She’s been wrongly accused of murder.”

You accused her of murder, Bryan. Your testimony is the lynchpin of the case! We have eyewitnesses that place her in the same year of the scene and a glove.”

“It’s all circumstantial, you can’t prosecute the case!”

“The District Attorney is really pressuring me to get a conviction on this one. Unless you have another suspect, I’m going to have to move forward with the case,” Arthur murmured reassuringly.

Even though Bryan didn’t think Helga had committed the murder most foul, he could not think of literally a single other person that could have committed the murder. Not even Dylan McDermott.

“Damnit, Arthur. I guess I’ll see you in court!” screamed Bryan, literally taking off his detective hat and putting on a meaningfully different lawyer hat.


Miles Van Der Miles sharpened his knives and picked up a portrait of his brother, Sebastien. He laughed maniacally and began to draw little ‘X’s over Sebastien’s eyes.

After an hour or so of this, Miles turned to the reader and announced, “I plan to kill my brother, Sebastien Van Der Miles, in case it is in anyway unclear.”

Little did Miles know, the Butler, Kreezy, was cleaning the inside of the eagle bust in the centre of the room and heard the entire thing.

Miles is planning a murder most foul, thought Kreezy, the butler.


“… the honorable judge Talib Kweli presiding. The charge is murder in the first degree, how do you plead?” finished the bailiff to the court room where Helga was being tried for her murder most foul.

“Gui-“ Helga started just as the doors to the courtroom burst in and amateur lawyer Bryan Mantis burst in, dragging along an IV drip of what appeared to be morphine.

“My client won’t answer any more questions!” screamed Bryan, “This whole court room is out of order!”

“Order, order!” screamed the judge, motioning at Helga, “Do you take this man to be your lawfully wedded attorney, till death do you part?”

“I do,” whispered Helga and Bryan in unison.

“Then I now pronounce you lawyer and wife. Now, to continue with these proceedings, how do you plead?”

Bryan stood up and screamed, “Guilty!” not realizing his mistake.


Kreezy, the butler, burst into Democratic National Committee Captain Dylan McDermott’s office and screamed, “News! I have news!”

McDermott straightened his tie and turned to Kreezy and asked, “What’s the problem?”

“I’ve uncovered a plot against the candidate! His brother, Miles, means to take his life in a murder most foul! You need to do something to stop it!”

“A murder, you say?” whispered McDermott with a far-away look in his eyes.


“Well Kreezy, thank you for bringing this to my attention and not the attention of the police or the FBI or Sebastien’s secret service detail. You did the right thing,” McDermott yawped through a forced smile, “I thank you. The Democratic Party thanks you. We are in your debt, Kreezy. And we always pay our debts.”

At this, McDermott moved uncomfortably close to Kreezy’s face so as the two were almost touching noses. McDermott grasped a letter-opener menacingly and Kreezy saw a distant and aggressive look in his eyes.

McDermott continued, “Do you know what I mean, Kreezy? Do you know what I mean when I say the Democratic Party always pays its debts?”

Kreezy gulped and didn’t answer.

McDermott growled, “You might want to ask John F. Kennedy.”


Miles Van Der Miles sharpened his knives and picked up a portrait of a flock of Australian brushturkeys. He laughed maniacally and began to draw little ‘X’s over the turkeys.

“I fucking hate birds,” Miles announced to no one in particular.

Little did Miles know, the Butler, Kreezy, was once again cleaning the inside of the eagle bust in the centre of the room and heard the entire thing.

Miles is planning to murder most fowl, thought Kreezy, the butler.


Sebastien walked up to the microphone at his fashion show fundraiser for his presidential campaign and held his hands up in the air as if he just didn’t care. He looked out into the audience and saw his entire family and all of his friends there—Kreezy, Manuel, Nolan Tracktenberg III, Kendra, Miles, Helga, Bryan Mantis, as well as his new best friend Dylan McDermott. Even Republican Presidential Candidate John Boehner had shown up, if only to appear non-partisan. McDermott, however, did appear to be eyeing the crowd suspiciously, as if he was plotting something nefarious.

Sebastien was just about to begin giving his speech when the lights went dead and the room fell into blackness. There was a muffled scream and then the sound of footsteps. Just as suddenly, the lights came back on and everyone except the incredibly stoic and level-headed John Boehner began to scream.

“My god! There’s been another murder,” Screamed Kendra, pointing to the prostrate, garroted body of Kreezy, the butler.

“NOOOOO!” screamed the right, honorable John Boehner, disappointed at the sight of senseless violence.

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