Part 3 of My Soap Opera

Part 1 and Part 2. To recap: Sebastien is engaged to Kendra, whom he doesn’t love. Kendra is having an affair with Sebastien’s twin brother Miles who is having an affair with Sebastien’s secret boyfriend Manuel, who is having an affair with Kreezy, the butler. Meanwhile, Kendra was having an affair with Sebastien’s father (who was murdered) and is having an affair with Sebastien’s mother, Helga, who is, of course, having an affair with Kreezy, the butler, and her husband Powell who is, again, dead. 

Detective Bryan Mantis, esquire, lit his crack-pipe, dimmed the lights of the interrogation room and threw an evidence folder at Helga Matterhorn Van Der Miles, all the while screaming, “I know you killed your husband, Powell.”

Helga laughed and whispered, “I’m afraid you’re mistaken.”

Mantis laughed at this and opened the evidence folder. He, again, screamed, “You had motive and opportunity. Powell was having an affair.”

At this, Mantis pulled an entirely bland Polaroid picture of Kendra Von Puter out of the evidence folder and threw it at Helga.

“With this woman?” Helga murmured as she broke down in hysterical histrionics, “Everyone is having an affair with her. I’m having an affair with her. You’re having an affair with her!”

“Good point,” Bryan sighed and there was an awkward silence.


Miles Van Der Miles silently slithered into the Pool House Guest House and found Kendra Von Puter. The two embraced.

“Oh Miles oh Miles,” Kendra screamed stealthily, “I love you so!”

“Thanks,” Miles responded.

“Miles, darling, I don’t want to keep our love secret any longer!”

Miles dramatically turned and stared out the window. It was raining. He pulled a large butcher knife out of his pocket and quietly shrieked, “Soon Kendra, we won’t have to.”

The two both began to laugh maniacally.


“What about the illegitimate love child,” screamed Bryan, back at the interrogation, “Manuel!”

At this Helga began to laugh even more hysterically than she’d been laughing before.

“Is this interrogation over yet?” she murmured enthusiastically.

“Your husband had an illegitimate child and hired him to work the house. When you discovered that the child was having an affair with both of your sons and your future daughter-in-law and your husband and the butler, Kreezy, you snapped and killed your husband, didn’t you?” Bryan howled.

“You stupid, simple man,” Helga started, “Powell was sterile and gay as Wham. All the children were adopted. Even the Mexican,” Helga pointed to Manuel, “People in the community were starting to ask questions after Powell was caught on Grindr, so we created the story of this illegitimate child to make him seem straight.”

“I don’t believe you!” yelped Bryan.

“Well I have the blood tests to prove it,” Helga whispered, pulling the blood tests out of her boudoir, “Didn’t you notice how one of the twins was around ten years older and Japanese? Christ, are you even a real detective?”

Bryan, being Japanese himself, had noticed that Miles Van Der Miles had a distinctive Japanese aura. This was despite the fact that Sebastien was the ethnically Japanese twin.

“YOU’RE HOLDING OUT ON ME!” squawked Bryan.


Sebastien Van Der Miles was spooning paint out of a can when his butler burst in unannounced and announced, “Mister Van Der Miles, there’s a Mister McDermott here from the Democratic National Committee. He says it’s urgent.”

“Send him away Kreezy,” yawped Sebastien.

“I’m afraid that’s impossible,” vociferated Mister McDermott as he strode confidently into the room, “I need to talk to you, now.”

“The fuck you want?”

“The name’s Dylan McDermott. No relation to the actor-“

“You look exactly like him,” Sebastien interrupted.

“I’m not him.”

“I don’t believe you.”

“We’re getting off topic,” Dylan McDermott continued, “I’m Captain of the Democratic National Committee. I run the Democratic party of the United States.”

“Yes, I’m aware,” whispered Sebastien, demonstrating his awareness of modern politics.

“As you know, it’s an election year,” Dylan continued once more.

Sebastien gasped.

“And we can’t run Hilary after the incident,” Dylan continued continuing, gesturing towards the wall.

“Yes, the incident.”

“Naturally, our next choice was your father, Powell.”


“But since Powell has passed by a murder most fowl, the responsibility falls to you, as is the law of political succession.”

Sebastien nodded in awareness of the law.

“So Sebastien,” Dylan whispered, pulling out a bottle of scotch and an important-looking contract, “Are you ready to be the next President of the United States?”


Bryan pulled out a bucket of water and a towel and looked menacingly at Helga and whispered, “You know, Sean Hannity says this is technically not torture.”


“What Obama say?” asked the Butler, Kreezy, to Nolan Tracktenberg III.

“Obama say what it do,” Nolan responded sullenly.


Dylan McDermott, not the actor, ran out onto Madison Square Garden amidst the throngs of screaming Democrats and grabbed the microphone.

“Ladies and gentleman,” he announced, barely audible over the screams of adulation, “Are you ready to meet the next President of the United States?”

The crowd announced that yes, they were ready.

“Introducing,” Dylan lifted his arms, as if to raise the roof, “Sebastien Van Der Miles!”

Sebastien ran out behind Dylan, wearing a skin-tight leather-print track suit.


“Take her away, boys!” hollered Bryan, pointing from the soaked Helga to the police and then back to Helga.

One of the policemen popped off his shirt and put Helga in handcuffs, whispering gently into her ear, “You have the right to remain silent, and so on.”

Bryan smiled and gave himself a high-five for another case solved, but something felt wrong. Helga had a rock-solid alibi, no real motive, and had been very forthcoming before and after the waterboarding. He couldn’t shake the feeling that someone else may have committed the murder.

“Well, someone else’s problem now,” Bryan wailed at himself.

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