Turning Over My Email Server

It’s came to the attention of the Grand Jury that during my time working at freefootballscholarships I’ve kept a private email server. It was not used to distribute classified freefootballscholarships material or used on company time. I would also like to bring to attention the fact that this has been done by all my predecessors.

However, in the face of public pressure I have decided to turn-over my email server. Below are all the emails sent to my personal account (ffs@aol.com) and all information has been vetted for classified materials.

Emails

1 January

From: mrsjenniferffs@aol.com

To: ffs@aol.com

Get out get the fuck out I never want to see you again take your whore AND GET THE FUCK OUT. I can’t believe you would do this to us, to our family, and with my sister. You disgust me.

 

1 January

From: Susie_420@aol.com

To: ffs@aol.com

Last night was a mistake and I never want to do it again. I mean, you’re married to my sister. This is just wrong. I called Jennifer and told her everything. I think you two should be able to work it out. I’m so sorry.

 

1 January

From: Dexterffs@aol.com

To: ffs@aol.com

Daddy, mommy says we have to move and we’re not taking you. That makes me happy.

 

3 January

From: mrsjenniferffs@aol.com

To: ffs@aol.com

I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN. Stop showing up at my work, stop following me. Stop calling my mother. Stop with the threats or I’ll call the police.

 

10 January

From: thepolice@policeservice.ca

To: ffs@aol.com

Hey, we’ve got word that you’ve been harassing a Ms. Jennifer Button? You need to stop or we will get involved. Chill, bro.

 

18 January

From: Dexterffs@aol.com

To: ffs@aol.com

Mommy is so much happier now. So am I.

 

2 February

From: thecourt@policeservice.ca

To: ffs@aol.com

Attached is a restraining order preventing you from getting within a square mile from a Miss Jennifer Button and a Mr. Dexter Button-Freefootballscholarships. Any violation of this agreement will result in an immediate week in prison.

 

3 February

From: thejail@policeservice.ca

To: ffs@aol.com

You will be released from prison on the tenth of February.

 

5 February

From: dexterffs@aol.com

To: ffs@aol.com

We had a bring-your-dad to school day at school today. I told the class my father was dead. It made me happy.

 

7 February

From: mrsjenniferffs@aol.com

To: ffs@aol.com

FUCK YOU. I’m not coming back. I’m with Roy now. He’s a real man. He’s a reporter looking into government corruption. We’re getting the paperwork done and soon he’ll have adopted Dexter and you’ll be out of our life forever. Don’t respond, don’t write. I never want to see you again.

 

11 February

From: ROYOLO@aol.com

To: ffs@aol.com

BRO, listen to the women, brah. You gots ta leave her alone, or you will get TURNT. TURNT, bro, TURNT.

 

13 February

From: TheDictionary@webster.com

To: ffs@aol.com

Turnt (verb): to be ‘turned out’, as in beat up, likely badly.

 

17 February

From: mrsjenniferffs@aol.com

To: ffs@aol.com

WHERE IS ROY?! He said he was going to teach you a lesson and he never came back. It’s been three days. What did you do?

 

21 February

From: dexterffs@aol.com

To: ffs@aol.com

Why did you take my new daddy away? Now mommy always cries. You made mommy cry.

 

22 February

From: detectivekylechandler@policeservice.ca

To: ffs@aol.com

Hey, I’m asking again, you need to come down to the station for questioning. I’m looking into the disappearance of Roy Swaggins and I just want to ask you a few questions.

 

23 February

From: illuminati@illuminati.gov

To: ffs@aol.com

Take the fall; plead guilty. Don’t make us take further action.

 

25 February

From: johnnylaw@lawyers.com

To: ffs@aol.com

You want to plead guilty?! What what?! You have a bulletproof alibi! I know you couldn’t have done it.

 

25 February

From: illuminati@illuminati.gov

To: ffs@aol.com

Think about Dexter. Think about Jennifer.

 

26 February

From: johnnylaw@lawyers.com

To: ffs@aol.com

Fine. I’ll enter the plea.

 

18 March

From: thejail@policeservice.ca

To: ffs@aol.com

Report to central holding on the 21st of March to begin your life sentence.

22 March

From: dexterffs@aol.com

To: ffs@aol.com

I won’t visit you. Neither will mommy. I hope no one else does, either.

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