Bite-Sized Album Reviews

Tame Impala – Currents: If this were any other band and Pitchfork hadn’t given the 9.2 and then the 9.3 you wouldn’t be here and we wouldn’t be talking about this. 6

Beach House – Depression Cherry: You write one book and people know you as the guy who wrote that one book and then you write it three more times and people wonder why you aren’t writing another book. 7

Titus Andronicus – The Most Lamentable Tragedy: I can listen to someone scream for a very long time but I’m not sure that I can listen to someone scream for a very very long time incredibly often. 8

Dr. Dre – Compton: It’s a damn shame that the hipster kids can only listen to one rap album a year and they already decided on Kendrick because this one is far more interesting than that one. 9

Kendrick Lamar – To Pimp A Butterfly: See, when you talk about the ‘universal’ (big concepts, like the government, religion, etc.) you generally lose touch with the ‘particular’ (people, relationships) unless you’re an uncommonly skilled writer (like David Foster Wallace or Joseph Heller, for example). Kendrick isn’t an uncommonly skilled writer. 4

Panda Bear – …Meets the Grim Reaper: You know a lot of people talk about death (Deathconciousness by Have a Nice Life is a particularly interesting meditation on the topic) so if you want a seat at the table you need to bring something to it, not just a haphazard collection of uninspired bleeps and bloops. 2

Father John Misty – I Love You, Honeybear: See ‘Panda Bear’ and replace ‘Death’ with ‘Marriage’. At least he can play the drums, I guess. 4

The Beach Boys – Smile Sessions: If you listen closely you can hear Brian Wilson break and then you flip the record over and they put him back together again. 10

Against Me! – Transgender Dysphoria Blues: I think Laura Grace forgot to write verses for her songs so instead she just repeated the chorus slightly faster and thought we wouldn’t notice. 1

Sufjan Stevens – Carrie & Lowell: To answer the question raised by the movie Gladiator, yes we are entertained. 10

Mount Eerie – Sauna: Phil makes good music and this one is still good so it’s good, I guess. 8

Jamie XX – In Colour: It’s pretty dire when Young Thug is the best part of your album. Nothing against Mr. Thug, it’s just that he has no talent and he’s boring. 3 

Young Thug – Barter 6: This album started out at ten and then I took off a point every time Birdman said the n-word. 0

Antonio Vivaldi – The Four Seasons: At no point does Vivaldi compose a track as memorable as “Still D.R.E.” or “Dre Day” or even “Deeez Nuuuts” but the end result is still pretty good, regardless. 10

3 thoughts on “Bite-Sized Album Reviews

  1. Backstreet Boys Greatest Hits: Let me show you the shape of my heart…everybody, Backstreet’s back…gotta go. 10


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