How To Tell if Your Man is Cheating on You

Over the years I’ve noticed that none of my girlfriends could tell that I was cheating. It seemed so obvious to me-all the lipstick, the other women in the house, the various paternity lawsuits, etc.-that I was amazed that none of my girlfriends even had a suspicion that anything was wrong. And so, I take it upon myself to educate the women of today of the tell-tale signs that their men may be carrying on a (or in the case of me, twelve) affair(s).
  1. He Has Sex With Other Women and/or Men: Ladies, this is the first sign that something’s wrong. Not a lot of people know this, but having sex with other people is one of the classic tell-tale signs of cheating. So if your man can’t keep it to just you, you better keep him to just out—out of the relationship.
  2. Blood Test: Much like the titular thing from the movie The Thing, the blood of a cheating man will attempt to flee from a hot needle. So, it’s simple, collect a bucket of your man’s blood and place it a petri dish. Heat a needle in the oven to around a hundred degrees Celsius and then hold the needle close to the dish. If the blood jumps and attempts to flee, then there’s a good chance your man is cheating.
  3. He Tells You He’s Cheating: If your man verbally informs you that he has been seeing other people behind your back then it might be a sign that something might be going on!
  4. He Has A Job: Very few people know this, but men don’t actually work. We merely disappear for six to ten hours a day to smoke and drink behind our wives’ back—all of our money is given to us by the government. As such, if your man says he has a ‘job’, odds are he’s actually going to see his other wife and family.
  5. They’re a Member of the American Congress: Congress has a very strict screening process for a potential congressman, one of which is the notorious ‘infidelity test’. This is where congress supplies a woman/man for the applicant to engage in sexual congress with while the rest of congress snaps pics on their Polaroid cameras. This act alone is an act of infidelity.
  6. Your Man’s Secret Wife Comes to Visit You at Work and Tells You About Their Torrid Love Affair Spanning 10 or so Years: Odds are if your man’s secret wife comes to visit you at work and tells you about their torrid love affair spanning 10 or so years then your man has some explaining to do!
  7. Your Man Turns Into a Wolf on the Full Moon: Our heavenly father, god, has cursed man with the responsibility to turn into a wolf on the full moon if they’ve been unfaithful to their husband or wife during the last month. If your man does so, then this is a little hint from God herself that you should talk to your man!

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