So today we’re going to take a look at the ten most important issues facing Canadians and suss out where each of the party leaders stand on it. Don’t be afraid to print out this article and bring it with you on voting day-it will guide you on who to vote for and why.
And now, let’s begin:
Issue #1: The Economy
Stephen Harper: Recognizes that suffering is an essential part of life and without suffering we cannot appreciate fleeting moments of joy. Harper seeks to impart this lesson on the Canadian people. As such, he’s guided the Canadian people into an unwarranted recession to prove this point.
Tom Mulcair: Seeks to move away from the faith-based neoliberal policies of the conservative party in favour of a more involved social state. This teaches the Canadian people nothing.
Gilles Duceppe: Speaks some made-up fairy language no one can understand.
Justin Trudeau: He’ll do the Harper thing if you want or he’s fine doing the Mulcair thing. He even speaks Duceppe’s flippity floppity language if that’s what you like.
Elizabeth May: Has no economic policy.
Winner: Stephen Harper: Glorious leader demonstrates care for people by teaching them life.
Issue #2: The Iran Nuclear Non-Proliferation Agreement
Stephen Harper: Loves Israel so much he knows not to even try co-operating with Iran.
Gilles Duceppe, Justin Trudeau, Elizabeth May, and Tom Mulcair: Don’t love Israel as much as Harper does.
Winner: Stephen Harper: As we can see, Glorious leader understands the nuance of this important geopolitical issue. Even if you don’t agree with Harper’s stance, you have to appreciate the thought that went into it.
Issue #3: Ghouls and Goblins
Stephen Harper: Recognizes the existence of ghouls and goblins and the threat they pose in the day-to-day life of Canadian people.
Tom Mulcair: Refuses to acknowledge their existence despite hundreds of years of anecdotal evidence to the contrary.
Justin Trudeau: Too busy doing his hair to care either way.
Gilles Duceppe: Speaks some made up fairy language that no one can understand.
Winner: Stephen Harper: The only leader to properly recognize the corrosive effects that Ghouls and Goblins have on Canada.
Issue #4: Isis
Stephen Harper: Is against Isis.
Tom Mulcair: Has never openly supported Isis, but we have no way of knowing what he does in private.
Gilles Duceppe: As much as we tried, we here at freefootballscholarships couldn’t understand his take on the issue. We can confirm that Duceppe is either for or against them.
Justin Trudeau: Refused to support military strikes against Isis because he was too busy doing his hair.
Winner: Stephen Harper: Duh.
Issue #5: Hair
Stephen Harper: Recognizes that great leaders need hair like a metallic bicycle helmet.
Tom Mulcair: It’s impossible to find where the beard ends and the hair begins. It’s not outside of the realm of possibility to suggest that Tom may be bald.
Justin Trudeau: Hair is clearly the product of a lot of effort, but it just doesn’t have the maturity or the experience to have it stand on its own. It’s just not ready.
Gilles Duceppe: Hair does not look like helmet glued to body.
Winner: Stephen Harper
Issue #6: Studied at the University of Calgary
Stephen Harper: studied at the University of Calgary.
Tom Mulcair and Justin Trudeau: did not study at the University of Calgary.
Gilles Duceppe: could have studied at the University of Calgary, we have no way of knowing.
Winner: Stephen Harper: the only leader confirmed to attend the University of Calgary.
Issue #7: Doesn’t Have a Girls Name:
Stephen Harper: Has a very presidential, masculine name.
Tom Mulcair: “Tom” is only 7 letters away from being “Samantha”.
Justin Trudeau: “Justin” shares multiple letters in common with “Brunhilda” which, as we all know, is a very common name for a German girl.
Gilles Duceppe: The character of “Gilles” was played for several years by Kristen Wiig, a girl, on Saturday Night Live.
Winner: Stephen Harper: the only available politician with an acceptably masculine name.
Issue #8: Cool Friends
Stephen Harper: Is best friends with former Canadian politician Peter Mackay who, as we all know, is a really cool guy.
Tom Mulcair: Has never been caught with a remotely cool friends. None of his friends even appear to have Instagram accounts. It’s utterly macabre.
Justin Trudeau: While he’s moderately cool himself, he doesn’t appear to have any friends that are likewise cool.
Gilles Duceppe: “Cool” or “French”. You can only pick one.
Winner: Stephen Harper: Peter Mackay seems far cooler than anyone any other leader hangs out with.
Issue #9: Foreign Policy
Stephen Harper: supports a strong foreign policy.
Tom Mulcair: hasn’t explicitly stated that he prefers a weak foreign policy, but he clearly doesn’t support Harper’s plan.
Justin Trudeau: I didn’t even bother looking up his platform but I’m sure it’s not nearly as good as Glorious Leader’s.
Gilles Duceppe: Seems to want to confuse foreign dignitaries with bleeps and bloops. Some analysts believe this is not likely to have success.
Winner: Stephen Harper: and it’s not even close.
Issue #10: Will Stop at Nothing To Satiate His Unquenchable Thirst For Power
Stephen Harper: will stop at nothing to satiate his unquenchable thirst for power.
Tom Mulcair: Has ‘beliefs’ and ‘morals’ that often interfere with his thirst for power.
Justin Trudeau: Doesn’t appear to know that it’s not enough to win, your enemies must be destroyed along the way.
Gilles Duceppe: ???
Elizabeth May: Will never, ever have a serious chance of winning anything or having any real power, so it’s kind of a moo point.
Winner: Stephen Harper: only Harper has the lack of ethical or moral beliefs required to properly demand power.
Final Tally: Harper: 10, Mulcair: 0, Trudeau: 0, Duceppe: 0, May: 0
Well, it looks like Glorious Leader has the edge so far in this campaign, scoring 10 victories to his opponents’ cumulative 0. But it’s still early, and long campaigns have a way of changing and developing. It’s not unreasonable to think that one of the leaders may get a point somewhere along the line. But one thing is clear: right now, early on in the campaign, Glorious Leader has great advantage.