More Reader Mail!

Dear Freefootballscholarships,

So, I loved the Detective Novel, but I have some concerns. First: as a feminist, I find the notion that feminism is nothing more than “man-hating” utterly appalling. It’s about equality for the sexes, not the subordination of either one. The character then proceeds to “dunk a basketball from the centre line” which apparently “disproves feminism”. I find these excerpts problematic and unsettling—they make the work as a whole seem sort of icky. I also take issue with the fact that later in the novel a character forgets that they had given birth to a child because they had “gotten so many emails that day” and “responding to emails is harder than pooping out a couple of kids”. As a working mom, I find that section disconcerting. Please respond to clarify my concerns.

Love, Sharon Dubley

Dear Sharon,

Sweetie, have you heard of a little old thing called “the death of the author”? I didn’t write those things sweetcakes, they were legitimate character moments within the world of the text. Jabbering at me implies that I wrote these things. No, the text created them, and I stand by the text.

Dear Freefootballscholarships,

I’m worried about scientists shelving the results of their experiments because it doesn’t fit the ongoing metanarrative of their work in the scientific community. They seem to be coming to experiments with an intended result (“X does Y”) and, if the experiment doesn’t meet the result (“X does Z”), they shelve the results, often because “Z” does not have the popular or economic effects of “Y”. However, this is crazy! Discovering if “X” does “Y” or “Z” is the entire point! If “X” does “Z” we should be entitled to know and that work should be published, rather than shoved in someone’s desk for all eternity.

Love, Kendall Vaandertrout III

Dear Kendall,

Repeat after me: NO ONE GIVES A SHIT. Science is for dumb-ass nerds and no one cares what nerds have to say. Ugh. This message was so goddamn stupid it made me physically ill.

Dear Freefootballscholarships,

My husband Stephen and I are planning to buy a house together! We’ve been together for seven years and we feel it’s time. We found a great deal on a Victorian mansion in Chatsworth. Only problem is, it’s built on an abandoned Indian burial ground! Yikes! Stephen says I’m crazy and on my period, but I can’t shake the feeling that it may be haunted. Do ghosts exist?

PS. The previous tenants died under mysterious circumstances

Love, Jessica Stein

Dear Jessica,

The question isn’t “Is it haunted” or “do ghosts exist”, as these matters have been proven beyond all reasonable doubt by the scientific community (if you don’t believe me watch the documentaries Thir13en Ghosts and its sequel Thir13en Ghosts 2: Fou14een Ghosts). The question is: “what can I do about ghosts?” And the answer is “nothing”. More than likely, this place is crazy haunted and the poltergeists inside will kill you and everyone you know, probably with an axe. The question, then, is “Am I dumb enough to pass up a mansion in Chatsworth?”. Murdering ghosts or not, that sounds like prime real estate and you’d be crazy to pass it up.

Dear Freefootballscholarships,

Ur baby iz 1 yr old 2day. Y u no write? He cries at nite “where daddy???” WHERE DADDY

Luv, Karen

Dear Karen,

I told you not to contact me. Your writing has such severe errors in spelling and construction that nobody can tell what you’re saying. What is this? What could it possibly mean? Don’t write back because I don’t care.

Well, that’s all for today folks! Remember to send your reader mail to:ralphnader@tmz.com

One thought on “More Reader Mail!

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