Overly Aggressive Reviews of Famous Novels

Previous Articles in this Series: Old Greek Stories Told Through Needlessly Offensive Bro-Talk.


The Sun Also Rises:
Okay so there’s this jerk, right? Jake or whatever the fuck. He’s lame as hell. Homie was in the war and now all we hear about is whine whine whine. Fuck you Jake. Anyway, his junk don’t work (there’s no red in his bull ifyouknowwhatImean) and because of that he whines even fucking mooooooore. There’s also this chick named Brett (more like dude amIright?) and she bangs everyone except Jake and then Jake gets all pissy and blah blah white people problems fuck this. 1 Star.

Finnegans Wake: Okay so there’s this jabroni Hubert or Humphrey or Henry or whatever tha fuck. He owns a bar or he is a bar or whatever I DON’T CARE. Anyway he jerks it in the park and fucking everyone sees. So he’s straight up jerking it in public and everyone’s all like “Hubert or Humphrey or Henry plz stop jerkin it” so eventually he does and he gets really sad because everyone saw so he goes to bed and dreams about his wife turning into a lake and his two sons being emo and boring and turning into rocks or whatever and in his dream he uses the n-word like six times so not only does he jerk it in public he’s also racist. 5 Stars.

The Brothers Karamazov: So there’s this bro who’s the broiest of all the bro’s and everyone be hating on him for it. What the fuck? What’s wrong with Dmitri? Dmitri can crush a six-pack like an overweight person can crush something that is easily crushable. Fucking Dmitri wins at everything and is awesome as hell so naturally THE MAN arrests him for killing his father and having a bitchin’ hot fiancé (who everyone else is banging/trying to bang). So that happens and then Ivan whines about children for a while while Alexei sits around like A USELESS JERK. Anyway some other shit happens for a bit and then Dmitri gets sentenced to death. BUMMER. Yet another example about how THE WHITE MAN be always keeping us down. 4.5 Stars.

On The Road: This dumbass book is so stupid it makes me want to throw up so hard I die. Two jabronis hang out and jerk each other off and do drugs and stuff and at one point have sex with Kristen Stewart EVEN THOUGH WHAT THEY REALLY WANT TO DO IS BANG EACH OTHER. Then they part ways and pretend that their vaguely solipsistic drivel is meaningful or profound when all they really want to do is be rude and bang each other. This book is to books what lack of meaningful oversight is to American banks. Negative 2 Stars.

Othello: JUST ASK YOUR FUCKING WIFE IF SHE’S BANGING THAT OTHER DUDE. 3 Stars.

Bleak House: OH I BET YOU THINK YOU’RE SMART DON’T YOU?! Trying to weave a goddamn thread that unites all the disparate sects of society into a central cohesive whole? GREAT. You’ve written a thousand goddamn pages of people bumping into each other on the street. The end result is so mind-numbing it’s like reading your own lobotomy. Jesus Christ, Charles. Get some better words. I’ve heard more interesting stories in the bathroom of a goddamn Kinkos. 2 Stars.

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