How To Score a Perfect 180 on the LSAT

Previous Articles in this Series: How To Lose Weight, Cure Depression, Get Rich Quick, and Remain Financially Stable.

After I got my BA and before my second PhD, I decided to write the LSAT just to see if I could. Imagine my surprise, then, that I scored the world’s first 195. Immediately afterwards, I was sought by the leading institutions to teach my test-taking strategies. I refused and decided to take the secret to my grave. However, I decided to change my mind because I’m so changeable. And now, for the first time ever, my long sought-after test-taking strategies are here for public consumption:

  1. Not The Bees: I can’t tell you how many students I’ve seen starting with the bees. I’ve said time and time again that there is no tangible difference in LSAT scores between students that have doused themselves in honey and stood in or around a colony of bees. I’ve even seen students write the test with a beehive on their heads. Not only does this not help you improve, but the time spent recovering from bee-stings will negatively affect your studying.
  2. Get All of the Questions Right, Idiot: This may be the easiest way to make sure you get a 180 on the LSAT. Time and time again students have complained to me that they only received a lowly 135 and, each time, without fail, it’s turned out that they’ve got some questions wrong. This incredibly simple problem is so easy to fix: just give the right answer. It’s not that hard, jeeze.
  3. Buy Apple EarPods From Your Nearest Apple Store: Now, although LSAC (Law Students Admission Committee) no longer allows students to wear Apple EarPods during the LSAT, I’ve found that prescribing students Apple EarPods with their smooth ergonomic design and soulful white color increases studying efficiency by over eleven times.
  4. Bloodletting: We’ve explored how bloodletting helps you lose weight, get rich quick, and beat your depression, but very few people understand the effects bloodletting has on the LSAT. The brain is filled with blood vessels that, when filled with blood, put pressure on the occipital lobe of the brain. The occipital lobe is where logical thinking occurs and, when under pressure, is forced to operate at a diminished capacity. Bloodletting reduces this strain, allowing aspiring law students to make full use of their occipital lobes, automatically raising a student’s score from a lowly 163 to a princely 164.
  5. Stop Doing So Much Cocaine: Time and time again, I’ve seen students spend months preparing for the test and then score a 125 after injecting too much cocaine before the test. Cocaine activates the norepinephrine receptors in the brain activating our autonomic ‘fight or flight’ response. This invariably causes students to sprint out of the test before completion or get ejected for entering into physical altercations with other students. However, it’s not recommended that one write the test while sober: some students rely on alcohol, while others have found more success with amphetamines.
  6. Answer Every Question as ‘C’: There are five answers for every question, meaning that if you answer ‘C’ for every question you’re basically guaranteed somewhere in the area of 20%. Now, as the LSAT is a curved exam, it’s possible to receive an almost perfect score if literally everyone in the entire world does worse than you. If a student feels like they won’t reach their target score, I’ve often advised the student not to be afraid to ‘C’ the entire test. After all, it’s how I got my BA.
  7. Have Sex With Every Member and Employee of LSAC: Now, as the LSAT is multiple choice and scored electronically, I’m not entirely sure what influence, if any, a member of LSAC could have on your score. However, it couldn’t hurt. It’s best to start with the lower-level employees (such as the janitorial staff) before moving your way up into upper management.

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