Reader Mail!

Now, Freefootballscholarships is over a year old. In blog years, that’s four. As such, I’ve been receiving such a gigantic amount of reader mail that I have no choice but to respond to it in the form of a regular posting, rather than attempting to respond to people individually:

Dear Freefootballscholarships,

I followed your advice and made BILLIONS! Now what do I do?! Also I was thinking about visiting Australia next week and I’m wondering if you have any tips on how to have the best possible experience in the Australian outback?

Love, George Willard of Winesburg, Ohio

Dear George,

Hello you piece of trash. Congratulations on the billions or whatever. Have fun in Australia. Go find the biggest snake and get it to bite you. Assuming snakes actually eat garbage.

Dear Freefootballscholarships,

I’m worried my girlfriend might be cheating on me! She says she’s working late, but keeps posting pictures of her and some other man on Instagram! She says I’m just being jealous and crazy, but I can’t shake the feeling.

PS. Last week I came home to find another man in my bed? Jennifer says it was probably a robber, and she couldn’t hear him break in over the sound of the shower.

PSS. The man in my bed was the same man from Instagram. Jennifer says it’s a coincidence.

Love, Steven

Dear Stephen,

Stop being so goddamn crazy. This girlfriend, Jessica or Jennifer (whatever it was), sounds like a nice, caring lady. I know you’re stupid, but don’t be so stupid that you destroy this great relationship.

Dear Freefootballscholarships,

Can I trust Doctors?

Love, Karen Wembley

Dear Karen,

Of course you can’t trust doctors. They’re just suits trying to pump you full of pharmaceuticals. They’re the man, man. I can’t believe you would ask such a dumb goddamn question.

Dear Freefootballscholarships,

What’s your take on the situation in Greece? It seems like a lot of the austerity measures proposed by the EU seem to amount to another state dictating domestic policy over another. Isn’t that bad for state sovereignty? Do you see other states (like the United States or Canada) intervening in the Greek situation in the name of state sovereignty? Furthermore, wouldn’t such intervention require Greece to exit the EU, sending it further into a financial tailspin that will surely end in a default?

Love, Trevor Ferguson

Dear Trevor,

That’s cute. You think you can play with the big boys. I have a BA in Political Science. I analyze shit like this for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. And you come in here, in my house, and try to analyze a geopolitical situation? Fuck you Trevor. I don’t come down to where you work (probably at a Taco Bell judging from that pedestrian analysis) and tell you how to wrap up a goddamn burrito but if I did it would probably be better than you. It’s shit like this Trevor, shit like this is why your mother left.

Dear Freefootballscholarships,

I’m pregnant and your the father

Love, Karen

Dear Karen,

I can’t tell what you’re trying to say. Your/You’re is a very important grammatical element and when you make such severe structural errors in your syntax it becomes difficult if not impossible to figure out what is being said. This blog has a high intellectual standard and this yammering gibberish frankly doesn’t meet it. Do not attempt to contact me again.

Well, that’s all today! Remember to send your reader mail to: email@address.com if you want it answered in our next cycle.

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