The Ending of My Fake Detective Novel

Part 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, and 7. To recap: Bryan and Richard confronted the nefarious European and shot him to death with guns. On the moon. As he died, The European revealed that Richard was not who he appeared to be–he’s actually Bryan’s long-lost baby boy, Dexter.

“Dexter?! But how?!” Bryan screamed.

“The European didn’t kill Amy,” Dexter/Richard started.

Bryan gasped.

“Amy did.”

Bryan gasped.

“A couple days before her due date she went down to the docks to have her fortune told. The gypsy told her that her baby would cause the end of the world. Amy was shocked, rattled, and broken. She knew that the only way to stop the prophecy was to murder herself and make it look like the European, who at this point she had never met, had done it.”

That’s my baby, Bryan thought, so resourceful.

“And it was the perfect plan,” Dexter continued, “She even left you a trail of bread crumbs to unravel the truth and find out what she did. She was going to call you and explain but cellphones hadn’t been invented yet and she was too far away from a landline.”

Bryan nodded. Landlines were very inconvenient.

“There was only one flaw. Me,” Dexter said dramatically.

Bryan gasped, yet again. This is a lot of exposition, he thought.

“Amy had gone to Saint Charles Berkeley Hospital for the Blind just one day earlier and given birth to me. The stress caused by giving birth compounded by the fact she’d been losing so many twitter followers lately caused Amy to forget the birth. And therefore when she committed selfmurder, I was already safe at the hospital.”

Bryan gasped and looked at his watch.

“I was raised by blind nurses and taught to speak Japanese (by the way this entire story took place in Japan and all of the characters are Japanese). Angered by losing my mother and having no way to contact my father (email had not been invented yet) I dedicated myself to a life of evil.”

Bryan nodded. This makes sense.

“And so, when I got word that you had been working as a detective in downtown Higashinaruse, I knew that it was time to get revenge on the world that abandoned me and the father that failed me.”

Dexter kept on going, “I impersonated Burbage to make sure that you discovered the conspiracy—and discovered just how powerless you are to stop it.”

Bryan gasped. Then he took a selfie and tweeted it to his many followers in Kurihara.

“That’s why I created Project Omega. I bet you’re dying to know what it is.”

“Not really,” Bryan responded nonchalantly, “I mean if you tell me fine if you don’t that’s okay too.”

“Oh I think you’ll care when I tell you,” Dexter began nefariously, “If you really love the ocean.”

Bryan dropped his subway sub in alarm. He LOVED the ocean. Fishes, coral reef, swimming, all that shit.

“I fucking love the ocean,” Bryan murmured, his hoarse voice barely rising past a whisper.

“Tell me Bryan,” Dexter screeched maniacally, “Have you seen a little movie called Entourage?”

*

Inside the Entourage movie, Vincent Chase lazed on his recliner and threw a Quiznos sub into the Ocean. Fuck the Ocean, he thought to himself.

Turtle and Kurella walked up and said all lazy-like, “You gonna do the movie Vin?”

“Naw, I’m not gonna do the movie,” Vin responded as he dumped more garbage into the ocean.

“Vin’s not doing the movie!” E announced as he backed a dump-truck filled with garbage into the ocean, wearing a skin-tight singlet T-shirt reading: “The Ocean is for Garbage! Fuck the Ocean”.

“Why the fuck isn’t Vin doing the movie?!” Ari screamed as he deposited an aircraft-carrier filled with garbage into the ocean.

“Baby bro says he’s not doing the movie,” Drama said as he jumped into the ocean, because he is literal human garbage.

“Fine, I’ll do the movie,” Vin announced as the kicked his lawnchair into the ocean.

*

“Hahahaha, it’s all so simple, isn’t it?” Dexter began, “After the Entourage movie made ocean dumpage ‘cool’ and ‘hip’ we lobbied congress to pass a law making it mandatory. The public was all too happy to oblige, and now the ocean is the world’s number one method of garbage disposal.”

“You bastard,” Bryan screeched.

“And all of this garbage piles up and turns the ocean relatively toxic—killing some of the fish,” Dexter added with a flourish, “That’s the essence of Project Omega—fucking the ocean, because the ocean sucks.”

At this Bryan could no longer hold in his rage and he shot Dexter in the head with his police-issued colt pistol thing eleven times. Once for every bit of ocean Dexter had corrupted. Dexter died immediately.

“I love you son. But not as much as I love the goddamn ocean.”

*

Bryan knew what he had to do. The moon was the nucleus and the body for all of Project Omega’s operations. He had destroyed the head of the evil corporation, but the rest was still alive and well. If Bryan didn’t do anything the ocean dumpage would go on unabated and thousands of fish would die. There was only thing he could do.

He had to blow up the moon.

Bryan knew that science nerds would tell him that blowing up the moon would cause apocalyptic conditions—but he knew harder that if Project Omega kept going then there’d be no world to save: each year the ocean would get more and more polluted. Soon the fish would be unable to swim through all the debris, and if the fish can’t swim then there is no purpose left for man. If the moon were to go billions may die but hundreds of fish may live.

Bryan moved into the secret control room of the moonbase and hovered over the “DETONATE MOON” button. He smiled to himself and thought of his darling Amy, up there in the sky, with his baby boy Dexter. He knew what she would want.

He pressed the button.

THE END

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