The Second-to-Last Set of Excerpts from My Fake Detective Novel

Part 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, and 6. To recap: Detective Bryan is going to space! Meanwhile, Susan did the dishes.

The European looked out upon our broken world and stroked his basketball Talib in delight. Soon, he thought to himself, as he twirled his recently-grown moustache in delight.

He noticed, in the distance, what appeared to be a ship attempting to dock with his space station. He smiled mischevious.

“Now things are finally getting interesting,” Talib murmured.

*

A group of evil henchmen cocked their weapon-things as they approached the space ship.

“Okay, Steve,” one of the henchman began, “We begin opening the doors and the second they open we blast it to hell, got it?”

“Ya lol,” Steve responded.

“Begin opening procedure,” one of the Henchman demanded of another Henchman. The Henchman, the other one not the first, pulled out a blowtorch and began to cut the door open, laughing maniacally all the while. After about ten minutes of this, the brown cedar door to the spaceship fell off its hinges, falling to the ground like an empty banana.

The henchman poured into the spaceship ready to fire. All at once, they gasped.

The spaceship was filled with snakes.

*

Bryan and Richard snuck through the alcove into the main atrium of the evil spacestation and found the European still looking longly out the window. They pulled out their police-issued colt pistol thingies and screamed:

“Come out with your hands up!”

The European shrugged, raised his hands and announced, “Okay, fine. I’m gay.”

Bryan and Richard looked at each other, confused.

“It doesn’t define who I am and it’s not who I am. It’s just a part of my day-to-day life. I kept it private because it’s a part of my private life and none of your goddamn business. The fact that you’ve pursued me and pressured me on this is so inappropriate and I demand an apology.”

Bryan and Richard deflated and, looking at each other, spoke in unison: “We’re really sorry. It was wrong of us to pressure you like this and we promise to never do it again.”

“Thank you,” the European pressured, “Just because someone’s a part of the LGBTQ community doesn’t mean they’re any different than you.”

“True dat,” said famous African American comedian Kevin Hart.

Kevin then turned to the camera and said clearly, “Millions of people are bullied for their sexuality, every single day. This isn’t right.”

“We came here to stop you!” Richard said with his gun pointed at the European.

“Maybe you came to stop him,” Bryan growled, spitting on the floor, “I came to revenge my darling Amy, and my baby boy Dexter, with whom Amy was pregnant.”

At this, the European broke into laughter, “You think you two can stop Project Omega? Oh my. Ha. IT’S ALREADY DONE!”

At this, Bryan screamed, “LIAR!” and shot the European seventeen times. One for each time he had thought about Amy or Dexter in the last few seconds.

As the European lay dying on the floor, he wouldn’t stop laughing.

“Stop that!” screamed Richard.

“Naw,” the European murmured.

“Bryan, come closer,” The European murmured as Bryan shot him again and again. Bryan leaned in.

“Your friend… hehehehe ‘Burbage’…. He’s not who he says he is!” The European sensually muttered as his eyes rolled back in his head and he died.

“Wait, you bastard, don’t die” Bryan commanded.

“K,” the European said.

“What is Project Omega? Just curious. You don’t have to answer if you don’t want! But if you don’t tell me I’ll kill you,” Bryan asked inquisitively.

“Hehehehe….. ask him,” the European murmured as he outstretched a bloody finger, pointing, towards Richard, who was playing skip-rope with one of the henchmen, Steve, in the corner.

The European went deathly pale and muttered, “Tell Socially Conscious Rapper Talib Kweli and Actual Real Life Basketball Talib Kweli that I love them both.”

The European gave one last gasp and went into the black with ferocity.

*

The PA announced, “Hey y’all. We’re going to have staffing shortages because most of the henchmen are in the infirmary due to a severe allergic reaction! All guards currently at their posts are going to have to work through lunch!”

“FML,” Steve muttered.

*

“A great man died here today,” said Richard and Steve in unison, looking over the European’s body.

“More like, a great liar still lives,” Bryan growled as he pulled out his police-issued colt pistol thingy.

“What is the meaning of this?” Richard asked, pretending not to know the meaning of this.

“fuk this taking lunch! L8er nerds,” Steve muttered as he decided to take his lunch break even though the PA announcer had previously announced that all workers currently at their posts were going to work through lunch.

“But how did you figure it out—my design was perfect! It was the perfect crime!”

“I know the real Richard Burbage died in 1995. And I know that it couldn’t have been the European trying to throw me off the trail—Europeans are allergic to snakes! Just look at what’s happened to all of the European’s henchman. You’re also clearly a very young Japanese man, much like myself, and the real Richard Burbage was old and British. Also the European told me you were an impostor who was behind Project Omega.”

“Shit.”

“Yeah, Richard. Shit,” Bryan screamed as he shot Richard in both of his kneecaps.

Richard sank to the floor and began to laugh, “You really don’t recognize me, do you?”

“No, you bastard!” Screamed Bryan even louder than last time.

“Okay, Dad,” Richard murmured.

“Oh my god. Is it? Could it be? Is it possible? Is it? My baby boy?”

“Yes,” Richard responded.

“Dexter?!”

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