Part 6 of My Fake Detective Novel

Part 1, 2, 3, 4, and 5. To recap: Detective Bryan broke his old partner Richard Burbage out of Alcatraz Prison and began to use Richard’s expertise on European culture to track down the nefarious European. Meanwhile, Talib Kweli’s role as Kurella, an effeminate, sassy waiter in the Entourage was a breakout success and now he’s getting his own spinoff TV Show “Kurella Takes New York”

Richard Burbage used his expert knowledge of Europeans to track The European to a villa in the countryside. It took him sixteen years. Sixteen years has passed since the last excerpt. Sixteen. During that time, America had its first dog president, The Bachelor was cancelled and rebooted, hoverboards were invented and promptly outlawed by Christian stay-at-home-moms, Apple EarPods were awarded the Time Person of the Year award every single year for the last sixteen years, and Foo Fighters released the same album twelve more times. Other than that, nothing has changed. Everything has changed.

“Damnit Richard, where’s the European?”

“We’re standing outside of his house,” Richard Burbage explained as he stood outside of the secluded country villa. The villa looked evil and crooked, like nature had tried to smite it off the Earth.

Bryan stood up and looked at the villa as a single tear rolled down his cheek. Could this be the end? It seemed like only yesterday that he found about the deaths of his darling Amy, and Dexter, the child with whom Amy was pregnant. He’d been trying to avenge their deaths (as well as the death of his best friend, the Black Commissioner, and the disappearance of his turtle, Rupert) for what felt like a lifetime now. He didn’t know what to do when it was all over.

Bryan grimaced and turned to Richard, “Let’s end this.”

“I agree,” Richard responded, “Let’s put these motherfuckers in the ground for what they did to your darling Amy, and Dexter, with whom Amy was pregnant.

They nodded together and opened the dark-brown doors of the villa and gasped.

The villa was filled with snakes.

*

Susan leaned over the sink, smiled, and shook her head. It had an old napkin in it, used by her son, Sebastien. This isn’t where this goes, Susan thought, garbage goes in the trash! But I guess that’s just how kids are! Susan laughed and threw the napkin into the trash.

Kids, right? Susan thought to herself.

*

“Hey Steve,” the Evil Henchman said as he turned to his friend Steve, “How’s Project Omega coming along?”

“86%.”

*

“Damnit, why’s it always got to be snakes, I hate snakes!” Richard said, always with the whining.

“Are there any clues in this godforsaken house?” Bryan yelled as more snakes fell from the ceiling.

“Well,” Richard started, pulling a snake out of his mouth, “It looks like whomever or whoever lives here has wiped the place clean!”

“Wait, what’s this!” Bryan screeched, as he pulled at a particularly big snake that was covering what looked like a scrap of paper.

“Don’t even look at it it’s probably nothing,” Richard muttered.

Bryan pulled out the scrap! It read, in a clearly European handwriting:

…moving from villa to moonbase. Moonbase is on moon. Geocoordinates: 4.815.16.2342. Tell mom to set up call-forwarding. Make sure to buy Talib antacid for space-trip. –The European

“This is it Richard! I’ve found it. The European has gone to a secret base on the moon.”

“Naw man, it’s probably nothing. It’s mad libs. I did that. Probably a joke. Is it cold in here? Dude that is fake as shit.”

“Put a sock in it Richard,” Bryan said as he removed his sunglasses.

“We’re going to the moon,” Bryan announced as he put his sunglasses on.

*

Susan was smiling as she was folding laundry. Everything smelt fresh. She was having a great day! After she was done with the laundry she would probably get her period, meaning that she’d be really mean to her husband Greg for a while. They’d fight, but then she’d realize she was just being crazy! Susan nodded to herself as she contemplated this fact.

“Mommy mommy!” yelled Susan’s other child Starissa.

“What is it dear?” Susan asked, all maternal and whatnot.

“I got an A on my book report!”

“That’s fantastic dear, what was the book?”

Famous Theater Owners that Were Friends With Shakespeare! I did my report on the first part of the book, on Richard Burbage.”

Susan raised her eyebrows and asked, “Richard Burbage?”

“Yeah! He was a theater owner! Born January 6th, 1567 and died March 12th 1619. He played Iago in the initial run of Hamlet!”

“WHAT?!” Susan screeched, “The real Richard Burbage died in 1619?”

That was over 600 years ago. Susan’s woman brain hurt as she tried to do that math. Who was this impostor with Bryan?

“Move aside dear,” Susan said, running for the phone, “I need to warn your uncle.”

She dialed her iPhone 6 Plus, listening to the great reception through her pristine Apple EarPods (in the future everyone has Apple EarPods). She dialed Bryan.

Straight to voicemail.

Susan called again.

Voicemail.

Susan frantically called again, leaving a message: “Bryan the man you’ve been hanging out with for the last eight years and think is Richard Burbage is not the real Richard Burbage! The real Richard Burbage has been dead for 700 years! You need to get away from that man!”

*

Meanwhile, inside the space ship heading for space, Bryan noticed his phone was buzzing. He was busy doing sick chin-ups, getting those guns to pop.

“Check my phone Richard, I can’t stop working these guns!”

“Don’t stop working those guns, I’ll check your messages!” Richard yelled back.

He grabbed the phone and listened to Susan’s message and grimaced. He looked up at Bryan. He sighed, and deleted the message, which is so easy on the iPhone 6 Plus, it took no time at all.

“What was it Richard?” Bryan asked, in-between reps.

“Nothing to worry about,” Richard responded menacingly, as he resumed sharpening his knife.

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