Part 5 of My Fake Detective Novel

Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, and Part 4. To recap: Detective Bryan has discovered that a nefarious European has cleaned out the safety deposit box at Saint Charles Berkeley Bank for the Blind. Bryan, as well as his lover Susan, have decided to break out Bryan’s old partner, Richard Burbage (who is imprisoned in Alcatraz), as Burbage is an expert on Europeans and European culture. Meanwhile, Socially Concious Rapper Talib Kweli was working with the European on his nefarious plots but he resigned his position as the Manger of the North American Division for a walk-on role in the Entourage movie.

The European sighed. The investors were boorish and uncultured. How could they understand the intricacies of his plan? How could they know the virtue of Project Omega? How could he make them see? He let out another long sigh. They were just suits with no creative vision. The European let out yet another sigh. The meeting had been going on for thirteen hours now, with no end in sight.

“I ask you again,” one of the boring-ass investors said, “Just what is Project Omega? What are we spending all this money on? All we know is that it has begun and since then you’ve lost your division manager and replaced him with what again? A basketball with a face drawn on it?”

The European was shocked and offended. Sure, to replace Kweli, he had drawn a smiley face on a basketball and named it Talib and, yes, he did hire the basketball in Kweli’s old position, as Manager of the North American division. So what? When Project Omega was complete he wouldn’t have to deal with this anymore.

The European looked at Talib’s smiling basketball face and smiled back. “I’m afraid, gentleman, that this meeting is over. Project Omega is well under way and your input is no longer required. I thank you for your interest and your help.

Another boring-ass investor started, “But-“

At this the European picked up Talib, turned on point like a spinning cantelope on a windy day, and exited the room in a hurry. He locked the door behind him.

“Why is the door locked?” One of the dumb-ass investors said to another dumb-ass investor.

“Idk lol.”

Suddenly, from afar, the European pulled out his iPhone 6 Plus with Apple EarPods and after appreciating the fine design and the excellent sound quality of the Apple EarPods (with their patented tripartite acoustic design, unique to Apple EarPods) and pressed the “Detonate Gas” button.

The European laughed maniacally as he watched the room fill up with poisonous gas. He turned to Talib and, laughing, said: “HR is going to give me an earful in the morning!”

Talib shrugged, “You do what you gotta do, man!”


“Thanks for breaking me out of Alcatraz!” Richard Burbage murmured lethargically.

“Ain’t no thang.”


Susan washed dishes energetically as she also made coffee. She looked into her den and watched as two strong men, Richard and Bryan, discussed the last twenty years of their lives. She was so thankful to have them back in her life. It was so difficult for Susan to make decisions in her life, always having periods and whatnot, and so she was endearingly thankful for these strong paternal figures. Now that they were working together again, Susan could focus on being a wife and a mother (Susan is married to a guy named Greg Motorola. Greg is a part-time process server. They have two children. She has another child with Bryan, as we explained in Part 2, where she confessed to Bryan that she was pregnant. She kept the baby and told Greg it was his. Greg doesn’t suspect a thing. Susan is going to name the child Sebastien and then discreetly put it up for adoption. While we’re on the topic, Susan is a full-blooded Cherokee Indian).

Susan smiled at the dishes. It was as if the natural order was restored.


“Damnit Richard, this is one damn-fine soufflé,” Bryan glowered as he ate the damn-fine soufflé Richard had cooked for him.

“Thank you Bryan, but I don’t feel like you broke me out of Alcatraz prison for my damn-fine soufflés.”

“Damnit Richard, you’re right. I didn’t just bust you out for your damn-fine soufflés.”

“You bastard. Tell me right now!”

“These are damn-fine soufflés though.”

“You should see what I can do with a piece of meat. It would blow your mind. Now stop being evasive and tell me what you want!”

“I’d love to taste your meat Richard, but there’s no time! I’ve uncovered a vast pan-global conspiracy involving a nefarious Project Omega.”

“But why do you need me BryBry? I’m just a humble former detective turned chef! I can’t help you with all of this!”

“Because Richard, you’re the expert. Remember our case in Frankfurt? In the Rue De Marseilles? Yorkington?”

“But an expert on what?”

“A little country called Europe.”

Richard gasped in recognition and said, “Now that’s a name I haven’t heard in a very long time.”

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