My Fake Detective Novel, Part 4

Part 1 is here, also Part 2 and Part 3. To recap: Detective Bryan’s wife Amy and Baby Boy Dexter were killed as part of a global conspiracy that also invented former American President Ben Franklin. The leaders of the conspiracy are socially conscious rapper Talib Kweli and a nefarious European. Bryan got addicted to heroin and found mysterious jewels that should lead him to the bottom of this global conspiracy.

I have to get clean, Bryan thought, If I’m ever going to find out the meaning of these jewels.

It was at that moment that Susan burst into the room and screamed, “Bryan you have to get clean if you’re ever going to crack this case.”

Bryan nodded in agreement as he pulled the heroin out of his arm. Before Susan had come in the sky was as black as a really dark night but now when Bryan looked out the window the sky was as dark as a much less dark night which means the dawn should be there soon because the sky is always darkest right before the dawn.

“Maybe things are starting to turn my way,” Bryan murmured, “Get better and such.”

Susan nodded in agreement.

“I’m here to help you Bryan, help you get clean. Just like you helped me. Before you there was no light in my life. And now, baby, there’s a whole fire.”


Talib Kweli walked into The European’s office with the swagger of a much younger man and sat down with a shuffle. He looked ruffled and melancholic.

“You wanted to talk, Kwe?” The European asked.


“Well what is it you wanted to talk about?”

“I’m sorry, but I have to resign. They cast me as Vince’s younger brother in the Entourage movie and I just can’t juggle that with my rapping career with all I do here. Plus, after all that’s done, I think I’m going to work as a federal judge. I’m sorry and I’ll stay on until you find a replacement.”

“Nonsense, Kwe. I loved your work here, but the Entourage movie is a once-in-a-lifetime experience. I promise you’ll get a fantastic reference and your office will always remain there for you, if you ever want to return.”

“Golly, I knew you’d understand! Thank you!”

The European smiled, “Not to say I’m not sad to see you leave. I’m not just losing my best employee—I’m losing my best friend.”

Kweli smiled and the two embraced.

“Don’t think I won’t write,” Kweli murmured as a tear rolled down his cheek.

“I’ll hold you to that!” The European murmured back, also crying, “I’m going to miss you Kwe.”

“I’m going to miss you too.”


“I’m over the drugs!” Bryan announced, “Turns out that withdrawal symptoms don’t actually exist. People just whine a lot.”

“Solid,” Susan responded dryly.


The jewels led Bryan to a safety deposit box in the Saint Charles Berkeley Bank for the Blind. Bryan gulped as he pulled the box out of the bankwall. It smelled like Amy and his baby boy Dexter (with whom Amy was pregnant with). At that second Bryan knew he would never love Susan.

He turned to Susan and said, “I’ll never be able to love you like I love Amy and my baby boy Dexter.”

Susan nodded as a single tear rolled down her cheek. She already knew. She tried to form a billion words or a million pictures (as each are worth a thousand words) but couldn’t. She just stood as she felt all semblance of love leave her life. She quietly whimpered, “But I love you.”

Bryan pretended not to hear.

“Well, glad that’s sorted out,” Bryan said, glancing at Susan, “Now let’s open this box!”


Bryan smelled the box one more time and opened it. It slid open so slenderly, as if the box itself was some sort of special German engineering. Suddenly, Bryan dropped the box and screamed just as Susan saw what was in the box and also screamed.

The box was filled with snakes.


“So Kweli just quit? Just like that?” The Henchman asked his friend, Steve, “You can just sort of leave an evil supranational corporation like it’s a taco bell?”

“Ya,” Steve responded.


Bryan turned to Susan and sincerely asked, “Have you seen Rupert?”

“Who’s Rupert?”

“My turtle, Rupert,” worried Bryan “He went to go get stamps and I haven’t seen him for a week.”

“I’m sure he’ll turn up.”


The box was a dead-end. Someone had gotten there first and replaced all the clues with Snakes. Maybe it was Kweli, but it didn’t feel like him. Ever since Kweli was cast in the Entourage movie Bryan had had a sneaking suspicion that the socially-conscious rapper was no longer involved in the plot. Bryan didn’t no why and had no reason to think so, but he had a sneaking suspicion that someone else had planted the snakes. Bryan had a sneaking suspicion that that person was from Europe. Bryan’s sneaking suspicions were never wrong; he’d had a sneaking suspicion the night Amy and his baby boy Dexter died and he had a sneaking suspicion now.

“What are you thinking about, Bryan?” Susan asked dumbly.

“Susan, you’re dumb as a post,” Bryan responded authoritatively, “You should know that I’m plotting our next move. I have a sneaking suspicion that a European did this. They’re always doing things with snakes. Remember Napolean? Eaten by snakes.”

“You’re brilliant Bryan!” Susan responded annoyingly.


“So what are you going to do Bryan?”

“There’s only one man I know who’s an expert on Europeans and European culture. My old partner, Richard Burbage. Strongest man I know. Stationed in Paris during the war. Killed the Fuhrer with his bare hands.”

“But how can you get to him?” Susan asked, always with the questions, “He’s been in alcatraz for the last twelve years.”

Bryan put on his sunglasses and lit a cigarillo.

“Well, honey, we’re going to have to break in.”

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