How To Get Rich Quick

After I lost 13 pounds in the Summer of 2011 and cured my own depression using natural, holistic methods, the next step was naturally to get rich. Now, people often try to get rich through short cuts (like taking Park avenue to Queens Boulevard), but I’m here to tell you that no such cuts exist. The only way to get rich is through keen, smart investments, like those outlined below:

  1. Save: I suggest you lop off 20-25% of any given paycheck and convert it into unmarked, non-consecutive bills. These bills should then be placed in an unmarked duffle bag. But here’s the important part: if you know where the money is, you’re liable to spend it! A simple way to avoid this is to drive out to the Nevada Desert and bury it in an unmarked grave, making sure to use a different grave each time. After 10-20 years of doing this, you should have buried upwards of five hundred dollars. Then it’s time to dig!
  2. Do Teaching: Highschool teachers are the “fat cats” of our society, often being paid upwards of twenty-times the value they contribute to society. If you’re looking for a job that allows you to earn lots of money fast, this is the one!
  3. Bloodletting: Basically, a car burns fuel proportionate to the amount of weight in the car. If you weigh three hundred pounds, you’re burning twice the fuel that you would if you were only one-fifty. As such, if you lose weight you will spend much less. Bloodletting is a quick way to achieve your weight loss goals—as we explored last week, the human body has about twelve times the amount of blood it needs to function. As such, it’s best to get rid of it.
  4. Invest in Government Bonds: These are known as the “stem cells” of the financial world insofar as no one knows where they came from, what they do, or who’s selling them. What we do know, is that these government bonds have an ROI (return on investment) of upwards of 1%. If you earn 1.2% interest on a hundred dollars a year, that’s $1.20 a year. Earn that for a million years, and you’ve earned one point two million dollars. Wow!
  5. Sell Bones: The average human body has 57 bones. Only 50 of these bones are, in fact, in use. The rest just float around like the garbage they are. A good surgeon can remove these bones and arrange a meeting with a buyer. The average going rate for one bone is $29.99.
  6. Become A Venture Capitalist: A lot of people tell me that they’re not cut out for venture capitalism because their lack of financial know-how. ‘Pish-posh’, I tells em’, ‘Anyone can be a venture capitalist’. All you need is determination, a keen-eye, and savings in the tens of millions.
  7. Multiplication: people traditionally try to grow their wealth through addition or subtraction. This is the conventional way of doing it. However, I’m here to suggest a better way: multiplication. Say you have eleven dollars. If you use basic addition, 11+3=14. Now, that’s good growth, but if you do multiplication it becomes 11×3=33. Now, I’m no mathematician, but it seems to me that 33 is a much higher number than 14. Wow!
  8. Cut Expenditures: A client came into my office and asked me why he wasn’t already rich. I sat him down and asked him, ‘Jim, how much are you spending?’. Jim revealed to me that he was spending upwards of 22 dollars a day. I was shocked! 22 dollars a day is $8030 a year! After a hundred years, Jim would have spent 8.03 million dollars! I sat down with Jim and explained to him that he needed to cut down his reckless spending. Together, we found that if Jim spent 0 dollars instead of 22, he would have serious long-term savings. Jim took my advice, and is now worth over 600 million dollars.
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