How to Cure Depression

After I lost 13 pounds in the summer of 2011 I thought all of my prayers had been answered. I had finally achieved my ideal beach body and saw the whole world before me. Still, I wasn’t happy. It wasn’t until I looked inside at the real me and found that the real me was suffering from a medical condition called “depression”. Now, a lot of people dismiss depression as “made up” or “voodoo nonsense”, but I’m here to tell you it’s a very real social condition. In fact, it is estimated that up to two in three University students currently suffer from some form of depression.

Now, we can all agree that the issue of depression is very present and severe. Lance Armstrong, for example, was disqualified from Le Tour de France after it was revealed that he had been illegally suffering from depression during training.

As a result of this dire social need, I developed a training program that cured my own depression in a matter of minutes. I am excited to share with you my eight-step program for curing depression:

  1. Walk it Off: not a lot of people know this, but the symptoms of depression mimic that of a high ankle strain or a torn ACL. In fact, the similarities are so deeply physiologically analogous that physicians have begun to treat depression the same way they would with a high ankle strain: suggesting the patient go for a brisk walk and stop whining so much.
  2. Bloodletting: now, I can’t specify exactly where I got this information (due to copyright reasons and the known litigiousness of L. Ron Hubbard’s estate), but many of the symptoms of depression are caused by space ghosts (either called or not called thetans) infecting the bloodstream. They get into the body through basic everyday activities (such as eating a popsicle, riding a tricycle, or licking an icicle) and attack the blood, feeding on dopamine and endorphins (the body’s happy chemicals). A natural way to deal with these space-ghosts is to simply bleed it out, and avoid at-risk activities (popsicles, icicles, and tricycles).
  3. Practice Containment Protocols: physicians (note: I am not one) are split on whether depression is contagious (like a high ankle sprain). Personally, I can trace the root of my own depression back to that summer in 2011 when a very sad man coughed in my mouth on the subway. Had I been wearing proper PPE (personal protective equipment) including a gown, gloves, and proper facial coverage, then I would not have had to overcome my own depression. I suggest that you always ensure that you’re wearing your PPE regardless of whether you currently suffer from depression or not—it will stop the infection or, if you already are infected, ensure that it doesn’t get worse.
  4. Stem Cells: physicians have virtually no understanding of the magical cure-all known as ‘stem cells’. We (note: I am not a doctor) have no idea where they came from or how we got them, but scientists have noted that a skin follicle treatment with a paste that has a high stem-cell count has proven to partially or fully alleviate the symptoms of late-stage depression.
  5. Alcohol: alcohol is what we (note: I am not a doctor or a member of the medical community) call a ‘depressant’. One of the root-causes of depression is an over-active imagination (most mental problems are made up fairy stories) and a heavy dose of alcohol literally slows down the imagination to the extent that it can function at a normal, healthy rate.
  6. Shake It Off: if you go on too many dates but can’t make them stay (at least that’s what people say) try to keep cruising, where you can’t stop, won’t stop moving, like you’ve got this music in your mind saying “it’s going to be all right”. This is because the players are going to play, play, play, play, play and the haters are going to hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, and therefore you should just shake, shake, shake, shake, shake it off.
  7. Avoid Triggers: much like a torn ACL, depression is caused by the body responding to an outside or inside stimulus. This stimulus can be as large as a train or as small as a smaller train. It’s up to you to find what triggers your depression and avoid that trigger. Some of the most common triggers include: socially conscious rapper Talib Kweli, soap, sharks, shark tank, shark teeth, shark week, District 9 actor Sharlto Copley, Gil Scott Heron’s 1974 classic Pieces of a Man, the sun, grass, nitrous gas, and rocks.
  8. Get Over Your Problems You Dumb Jerk: as I’ve said earlier, most of the root causes of depression stem from you being a wuss. People stay ‘under it’ when they should just get ‘over it’. In fact, just getting ‘over it’, is the number one cure of depression. I had a client come into my office (note: I am not a doctor, I do not have an office) and complain that he had lost interest in his day-to-day life and maintained a constant state of despair. He noted that this had been going on since the death of his aunt some weeks prior. I instructed my patient to simply get ‘over it’ and within days he was back to his normal self.
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