Excerpts from My Gritty Fake Detective Novel

“Listen, Bryan, you can’t-“

“Fuck you,” Bryan screamed.

“I know you’re sad about Amy, we all are. It’s terrible what happened to her. No one should have left her alone with the killer like that. Especially when she was pregnant with your baby boy, Dexter.”

Bryan turned away in disgust. He didn’t like suits and this man was a suit.

“But you can’t go around putting your nose where it doesn’t belong! I mean he’s the mayor for Christ’s sake.”

“Don’t talk about Christ like that,” Bryan growled, taking the banana out of his mouth, “Christ is up in heaven with my darling Amy and my baby boy Dexter, with whom Amy was pregnant.”

A single tear rolled down Bryan’s cheek.


“Fucking shit,” Bryan said.

“Motherfucker,” the black commisioner exclaimed.



“This is gritty.”


“You have no idea how high up this goes chief,” Bryan growled.

“Even if I did believe you,” said the black commisioner, “Do you know what you’re asking me to do? Telling me that the mayor ran an illicit gambling ring with Today Show host Matt Lauer? And that they killed Amy to cover it up? And Dexter, your baby boy, who was inside her womb? Because she was pregnant?”

“That’s exactly what I’m telling you. The mayor is running an illicit gambling ring with Today Show host Matt Lauer and they killed Amy and my baby boy Dexter, with whom she was pregnant with, to cover it up”

“But where’s your evidence? I can’t go off theory! You need something to back this up or I’m taking you off the case! You’re a loose cannon!”

“Damnit Chief, I need more time.”

“You have 48 hours. If you’re wrong you’re going to need a damn good lawyer.”

“I heard Octavian Charles is available”

“Oh man,” yelled the black commissioner, “He’s great. He handled my ex-wife’s divorce.”


“Call Karen and tell her to push back lunch and get Stacy on the phone about Tort Reform. No one’s talking about torts and I think it’s an important issue,” Today Show Host Matt Lauer said to his assistant Marissa, “And then tell Powell Van Der Miles that I have a conference call with Sweden and then ask my daughter whether she wants to celebrate her birthday on—“

Suddenly everything in the study went black. As black as the night.

“What is the meaning of this? It’s as black as the night in here!” Today Show Host Matt Lauer complained.

“I’ll tell you,” Bryan growled.

“You better stop the show Matt. Because your bad day is to-day.”


“Damnit Bryan the evidence doesn’t add up! You’re a loose cannon. I’m taking you off the case,” the chief, who was black, said.

“You can’t do this. I’m so close. Damnit chief, I need more time.”


Bryan woke up in a dream. He was walking in a meadow with his darling Amy who was pregnant with his baby boy, Dexter. They were both still alive. Bryan realized with them by his side the hole in his heart was filled and he didn’t have to drink anymore. He squinted and for the first time in eleven years since they died he smiled.

“Daddy I’m so glad you don’t drink anymore,” said Dexter, Bryan’s baby boy, who Amy was pregnant with.

Suddenly it all died and disappeared and Bryan awoke in a drenched sweat.


He sighed and shed a single tear, and then turned back to the bottle, and then the needle.

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