Complete List of New Years Resolutions

  1. End racism.
  2. Transcend the subjective.
  3. Wrap a chimichanga inside of a taco and then bake it like an enchilada.
  4. Finally tell Jason Kenney that I hate him.
  5. Make more lists.
  6. Quantifiably prove the existence of ghosts beyond any sort of reasonable doubt or scientific scepticism.
  7. Finish my erotic novel ‘John Salem and the Longest Shaft’
  8. Watch ‘Shaft’
  9. Look up ‘Shaft’ on Urban Dictionary to see if it means what I think it means.
  10. It means Penis, right?
  11. Buy a Kindle
  12. Stop eating paper.
  13. Listen to more Animal Collective.
  14. Get my forty dollars back from my terrible friend Neha and use that money to buy a Kindle
  15. How much do Kindles cost?
  16. Drink more or drink less. I feel like I need to pick a side on this issue; either commit to alcoholism or get out of the way.
  17. Finish ‘Crime & Punishment’.
  18. Eat a live bird.
  19. Get everybody to listen to the new Shabazz Palaces LP. Seriously guys, it’s all that.
  20. Recuperate Amanda Bynes like a baby bird.
  21. Learn to speak French so all the other people at my University will think I’m cultured.
  22. Sleep more.
  23. Drink more tea.
  24. Tell more people to ‘check their privilege’. I mean, seriously guys, it’s 2015.
  25. Use gender neutral pronouns, except when I’m explicating the evils of the white man.
  26. Trademark ‘Wind’
  27. Buy a bird
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