Old Greek Stories told through Needlessly Offensive Bro-Talk

The Trial of Socrates

So there was this fucking guy, right? Six-pack abs, crazy jaw line, fucking ace sandals. He was like seventy but that didn’t stop from hitting the gym every goddamn morning and pounding ass all fucking night. He was kinda famous cause he used to wander around being all ‘FUCK THE POLICE’ and everyone thought that that was some cool fucking shit.

It wasn’t until a fucking capital-H Hater named Meletus wandered by and was all like ‘fuck u Socrates lol’ and through Socrates in prison that shit got really fucking cray. They put the old ass homie on trial!!

Meletus was all like ‘Socrates, u need 2 stop banging all these fucking kids and being all disrespectful 2 da gods. Fucking Orpheus is mad as shit!! U gotta stop bro’.

And Socrates was all like ‘fuuuuuuuuuuuck u’

Meletus was not expecting all this goddamn bullshit and he was like ‘Socrates please fucking stop we will litrally fucking kill u!!!’

And again Socrates was all like ‘fuuuuuuuuuuuuck u’

Meletus was like so goddamn pissed that he was like ‘fine I kill u bitch’. Socrates didn’t even fucking care cause he was doing bicep curls in the GODDAMN greek senate and putting on a fucking clinic and everyone was so fucking impressed and HE GOT MAD LAID THAT NIGHT.

Then the Greek Roman senate bitches voted to convict Socrates and he pulled out a bunch o’ fucking hemlock and was all like ‘fuuuuuuuck u meletus’ AND THEN FLIPPED THE BIRD WITH BOTH HANDS AT EVERYONE and drank the hemlock and died or whatever.

Orpheus in the Underworld

Fucking Eurydice was all like ‘ORPHEUS GIMME D’ and Orpheus was all like ‘yiiiiiiiiiii’ so they banged like six times and it was sweeeeeeeeeet, but the Orpheus started talking some nonsense or whatever cause he was probably on his period and got up to like do some taxes or whatever (fuck, I don’t know) and when he turned around he noticed fucking Eurydice was fucking dead.

So he wandered around being all emo and shit and wining until some Greek homie was all like ‘y dont u just go 2 hades and get her back?’ and Orpheus was like ‘SHIT I FORGOT THE RULES OF GREEK MYTHOLOGY. I GUESS I CAN JUST DO THAT. THANK GOD I DON’T LIVE IN A MODERN CHRISTIAN CONTEXT’ and flagged down a taxi and wandered down into Hades.

Hades was a place where dead people went to chill out and play GameCube. It was ran by a real big douche, his name was like Steve or something. Anyway fucking Steve was all like ‘lol Orpheus that’s not how death works you can’t just take her back???’ and fucking Orpheus was all like ‘DON’T U NO IM LOCO, ESSE?’ and that really intimidated Steve because Steve was a little bitch so Steve was all like ‘Hey Orpheus, u can take her back, she’s goddamn annoying man she’s always asking for oatmeal and I just wanna be like HEY GIRL HOMIE WE AIN’T GOT NO GODDAMN MILK!! But she never gets it’.

No one asked Eurydice if she wanted to go back to the world of the living because, within the context of this story, females have no agency.

So anyway Steve was all like ‘wait I remember my name now it’s hades it’s the same as the place!!’ so Steve is named Hades. Anyway (again), SteveHades was all like ‘okay u can take her broooo BUT u can’t look at her until u get to the surface’

And fucking Orpheus was all like ‘fuuuuuuuuuuuck u’ and whipped around at Eurydice who was looking DAMN FINE anyways she’s locked in the underworld and it’s all because Orpheus was a fucking loony.

Antigone

So Antigone was messed up cause her dad Oedipus killed her grandfather and spent years banging his grandmother and Antigone thought that was fucking WACK ASS SHIT. She was all like moody or whatever and she was really mean to her cool goddamn uncle Creon.

Anyway her stupid annoying brother died doing something stupid and annoying and Antigone started whining to Creon (who was king now, because laws of succession are also wack ass shit) and she was all like ‘uncle, let me bury my brrrrrroooother waaaah waaah’ and Creon was all like ‘fuuuuuuuuck u’. And then Creon started conflating adherence to the rule of law with meta-ethical virtue (implying the moral fortitude of an individual varies directly with their ability to obey their ruler and that the health of an individual is equitable to the health of their polity) and everything thought THAT SHIT WENT FULL ASS DUMB. So anyway everyone was being really mean to Creon and Antigone kept being annoying and crying and stuff and doing annoying shit like betraying Creon and smelling like shit. Creon kept being all like ‘Antigone hold up u need 2 slow ur roll’ and Antigone was like ‘fuuuuuuck u’ until Creon was all like ‘fine bitch imma bury u alive’ and Antigone was all annoying and dumb and whiney.

So fucking Antigone got buried alive and Creon then noticed his wife had killed herself and he was all like ‘that’s not normal’ and was like ‘maybe I made a mistake burying my niece alive even though she was being kinda a bitch’ so he tried to unbury her alive but it turns out that’s not how that works and lol homie was mad dead.

Then Creon’s son killed himself, flipping Creon the bird (like a baller) all the time. Though, for posterity, I should note that it was the ‘flipping of the bird’ which was ‘cool’, not suicide, which is a tragedy.

Anyway fucking everyone died except Creon and now he’s all like ‘shiiiiiiit. I done goofed’.

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