The 8 Best Rappers of All Time, as Ranked by Someone who Once Wrote an Essay Critically Analyzing the Role of Gender Stratification in Waxahatchee’s American Weekend

As you know, the primary focuses of this blog are ‘cooking’ and ‘interior design’. I do, however, on occasion, post strange things. In fact, it’s recently been brought to my attention that the ‘cooking’ and ‘interior design’ sections of the blog are solely lacking. With that in mind, I set out to rank the eight greatest rappers of all time. The ranking was conducted via a scientific double-blind study featuring scientists. I also listened to none of these rappers (except Common’s new album ‘Nobody’s Smiling’) during the ranking process. Instead, I listened to Joanna Newsom’s Have One on Me. With that in mind, enjoy:

8. Kanye West

I was in a creative writing class and we had to do a dramatic reading. It didn’t have to be our writing, but using our own writing was encouraged. I did a reading of the Kanye song Diamonds. The lyrics are so nonsensical as to become straight absurdism. Everyone laughed, and for a fleeting second I felt included. Thank you Kanye.

7. Tupac

I don’t really get Tupac. Within his social context, he was a slightly above average that occasionally said insightful things. He didn’t say these sort of things enough, or he’d be higher. It seems to me that the majority of his career is dedicated to annoying gangster-rap posturing and the propagation of needless violence. But people seem to like him, and I live to please.

6. MF Doom

That mask is so fetch. It’s too often that rappers forget that they are, first and foremost, comic book super-villains with stunt doubles. Doom’s entire career has been about bringing this authenticity back to rap, and I applaud him for it.

5. Jay-Z

Let me tell you a story. It was July and I had been out all night drinking. I woke up the next morning feeling and looking of garbage. I scrubbed down a bit, had a pint, and dragged myself to my silly Canadian university. I had an examination for one of my English courses. I’d studied for it, insofar as I had kept a pdf of the syllabus on my phone. There was just one question on the test; “Write an Essay about one of the Literary works, films, or songs referred to in class”. Remembering that we had one point discussed Jay-Z’s sampling of Annie, I proceeded to write a twelve page essay on how his album The Hard Knock Life constituted an ‘apologia for the commodification of Jay-Z’s post-material identity. I got an A. Later I found twenty dollars on the ground, and my girlfriend gave me a muffin. It was one of the best days of my life.

4. Common

He got invited to the White House. You ever been invited to the White House? I didn’t think so. Common 2016.

3. Jay Electronica

Act One is still one of my favourite rap projects. His flow is amazing and his feature game (while sparse) is almost unreal in its quality control. Jay-E is the only one who makes it on this list because of his actual rapping ability, rather than some random fact about their personal life.

2. Nas

I know what you’re thinking: “Nas?! The actor?! What are you thinking?”. Not a lot of people know this, but before he had his guest appearance on Hawaii Five-O Nas, real name Nasir Jones, had a prospering rap career, releasing albums like: Stillmatic, Nastradamus, and It Was Written. It always amazes me when someone is multi-talented like this: somehow, Nas has mastered both acting AND rap. Who knows what’s next?

1. Drake

Just kidding. Drake sucks.

1. Dr. Dre

I know the easy joke here. “He went to medical school!”, “The man with the PhD in rap”, “How did he handle the course-load of an MD program with the production duties of NWA”, etc. But, truth be told, it’s irrelevant. Of all the rappers on this list, not a single one (except for Dre) have enough money to conceivably build a really cool rocket. Dre does. Dre gets first place for all the monetary contributions he could make, if he chose, to science. And, as we all know, science rules.

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